"Sacred Self"  ©  2011  ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

"Don't treat yourself as a commodity to be bartered, promoted, and sold.  Don't treat yourself as a self-improvement project.  Treat yourself as a source of revelation, a deepening presence that will make itself known to you in surprising and generous ways."
                                                                                                               ~   David Whyte
                                                                                            What to Remember When Waking

                                                 Being Who I AM

When I was putting off the tasks of today by playing solitaire on the computer, an ad popped up on the screen suggesting a way of self improvement.  It flashed the message , "With Liposuction - get your confidence back!" If only it were that easy to "suck" the negativity from my thoughts about who I am and allow that illumination of my true self to shine forth!  If liposuction could do that, I might sign up!  

But I believe that changing my consciousness, about who I believe I am, begins on the inside, rather than on the outside.  What I think over and over about myself is very likely to show up in my body and, as a result, manifest in my life, not the other way around.  So, once again, I am looking "within" to affect any real change in my body or my life.  My mind, however,  is not easily manipulated at will.  It takes dedicated intention and discipline, which I seem to be short of lately...... except when I am engaged in one of my two favorite actvities - hiking or art making.  Maybe that's why they are my passions - they are my path to a "better", more conscious, me!  They support and guide me in remembering all that I am.  

In learning how to create SoulCollage© cards, I have been amazed how many of these 8" by 5" card collages I have been inspired to create.  Seena Frost, the creator of this insightful creative technique, says that each of these cards represents an aspect of who I am.  Every image is a reflection of a part of me that wants to be expressed in my life....always bringing to me a wonderful message to facilitate my personal growth and self actualization. Presently,  I have created 155 card images and have journaled with these images in 3 different journals. When I first started creating these cards, I couldn't begin to conceive of an infinite number of collage images that might be possible.  But after 155, I don't feel I am even close to being "done" with imaging the aspects of who I am.  I believe no matter how many cards I have done, there will always be more waiting to be created.  That kind of gives me a glimpse of my Self as an infinite being...... a look beyond my finite body and brain.

Okay, how do I live from the revelation that I am an infinite being?  I must move from my limited thinking of how life works to a "fourth dimensional awareness", where I am first remembering Spiritual Truth and, then, through my personal awareness, am allowing it to express through me.  I move beyond those finite words and forms, that describe perceptions of spiritual law,  to an real experience of that Divine Presence, expressing as me into my daily life.  I cannot "will" this to happen; I can only allow it.  That requires trust and lots of it! And maybe the only sources that I am able to trust are the only sources that I should trust.  

Dialoging with my soul through my intuition happens when I create in that timeless space.... where I can finally release harsh judgements that block that divine flow.  Suzy Wolfer, therapist and teacher from Portland, says we can channel that life force energy in one of four ways.  We can do "flight" and run from it  ( a very familiar one for me!), we can "fight" it (also familiar!), we can freeze up (oh, shoot!.. I know that one, too!) or we can allow the flow of that energy and perceive it as divine grace.  

When I am hiking in nature, my awareness is open to my connection with all life, and I have taken the first step to replace my fear of aloneness with an experience of belonging.  In that place of experiencing oneness, I am more able to creatively allow those art images that reflect who I really am to "flow into my life and onto my paper or canvas. I do this art not to "improve myself, but rather I create to remember what I already know deep within me!   It all works together beautifully, if I can let go of my fear and, at last, open to that "light" within.  In the stillness of that "light",  I can finally be who I AM.

"Magic Summer"  ©  2001 ~  colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

During the summer of 2001, while staying in Boulder Colorado, I created this luminous mandala in my cottage by the Flatiron Mountains.  Still focusing on regaining my health after my serious illness, I was finally beginning to see the "light" that I AM...as shown in my mandala.  I love the way my art always shows me a way past my limited vision.  A new life for me, was revving its engine, and I had "signed up" for the "ride"!