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| "Contemplating My Divinity" © 2002 ~ crayon drawing by Carol E. Fairbanks |
My Quest for Truth
Back in the 70's when I was breaking through the dissolution and disappointments about my life, and searching for truths to replace them, I collected a lot of posters. One, I remember, said, "The search for truth will set you free, even if you never catch up with it." I don't know who said that, but I really agreed with it and still do! Part of my reason for this soul searching blog of mine is to reveal some truths about life on planet Earth, in order to better understand about my own journey. Most of my life I have searched for this wisdom in people, places and things outside of myself. I have relentlessly attained college degrees, certifications and other validations from those people and institutions, whose opinions I valued more my own. I have been literally on a journey of achievement and accomplishments that has been more about running from who I am, instead of being who I am.
Fortunately, in my elder years, I am not able (or willing any more!) to keep up that pace of constant pursuit of achievement and resume-making. I want to keep growing and learning, ever expanding my consciousness of who I am in relation to the rest of the world, but in new ways. So, in honoring this "quest for truth", my search has evolved into an inner journey of the heroine. My art image companions that I create are gently suggesting the paths for me to take.... and sometimes advising me to "go where there is no path and (blaze) a trail. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
Why do this at this time in my later years, when maybe I should be instead concentrating on my "bucket list"? Probably I have set out on this inner journey, because I need to know that I am fulfilling my service to the world through this lifetime of Carol Fairbanks....at least a part of it. So, I gather all my gifts and resources and take a "walk" through this blog to search for answers to the questions that sometimes rob me of my rest and peace. I am exploring everything....my successes and my past mistakes, the things I'v done that make me proud, as well as ashamed, and especially all the interactions with people, both close to me and brief encounters. Has the world been better in some way just because I have lived?
It's no small stuff and, at times, I wish I never had taken a step on this self-reflective path. But there has been a calling and urgency within me to do this inner trek of self examination...not in a judgmental type of manner, but rather in a sincere search for meaning of everything and everyone in my life. I want to have these later years of mine be my best, the most fruitful, where everything that I choose to do is born from a wisdom that I have gleaned from my journey. I do not want my fears to limit me or my sadness to defeat me. I want the knowledge of who I am to be a catalyst in being a greater service to the things I believe in. I want love, both of self and others, to be the foundation of how I choose to behave in my relationships. I want a healthful balance of quiet solitary time and authentic interaction with meaningful, loving and caring people. I want my dreams of love and service to be manifested through all that I think, say and do, especially in my art. The poem I wrote for my Crescent Moon Art Studio in 1997 says it very well.
The Realized Dream
On my journey of self discovery,
I encounter within me an artist,
A creative center from which emanates
The light of knowing and being.
With paint on my brush.
I sweep across the canvas
And feel like the "queen of everything".
My art images speak truth to me
As they reflect my soul within.
I am healing my heart with love,
while I color my world.
© 1997 by Carol E. Fairbanks
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