"Circle of Life"  © 1998 ~ oil on paper by Carol E. Fairbanks    

                 

                            The Yin and Yang of Me

                      " A woman is the full circle.

                                  Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform."

                                                                           ~ Diane Mariechild

Growing up in the 50's , I watched TV shows like "Father Knows Best" and "I love Lucy" and thought those male-female relationships were how things were supposed to be.  A strong male figure, who knew more than his  child-like wife, was the ultimate source of power and he definitely knew all the answers.  The woman, if she had any ideas worthy of voicing, had to indirectly make her husband feel as if her insights came from him.  Even as a child, this bothered me, and I always felt impatience with the apparently powerless women I watched in those TV shows.  They always seemed to have no choice but to yield to their husband's authority, except when they were cagey enough to indirectly work around his wishes. 

A few years ago, I watched part of a "Father Knows Best" show on TV and couldn't believe I had ever seriously watched such shows, even as a child.  But it made me think of how I was indoctrinated with such gender stereotyped roles and, interestingly, how that socialization did not really "work" on me.  I remember thinking when I was very young, that being a woman was a losing proposition.  I watched the inequity with the way my parents related... my Dad was always free to do whatever he wanted, but Mom, burdened with all the household responsibilities, had to make near impossible plans to go to even a PTA meeting.  So I decided, very young, that I would never let a man, or anything else, control me and take away my power of choice.  I don't think I even wanted to consider any compromise at that time!

So the foundation was laid for a pattern of serial marriages, which caused a lot of unhappiness in my relationships with men.  There were periods of time when I focused on my teaching career and my art practice, thinking that living a solitary life was better for me.  But what I didn't know was that those relationships in my outside life reflected the male-female balance within me.  In fact, there was no balance in my inner yin/yang continuum.  And I was anything, but a full circle....in fact, I was more of a jagged, broken line. 

It was my transpersonal approach to art making that finally revealed to me just how broken and out of balance I was.  After divorcing for the fourth time, I knew that I had to change drastically to in order to survive.  I started going to a woman's art therapy group, that introduced me to those powerful images within my imaginative mind, that were waiting patiently to walk with me on a healing path.  The mandala spoke very loudly to my wounded self and awakened dynamic personal truths within me.  There was no turning my back on that healing process, and there were days when I could only surrender to those images, as I watched their "birthing" with my weary, but trusting eyes. 

It was such a day, when the "goddess", pictured above, appeared in my touch drawing during a workshop on Whidbey Island, WA with Deborah Koff-Chapin.  Deborah, the creator of the Touch Drawing process, had instructed us to mediate, roll oil paint onto a nonabsorbent board, and then place a sheet of heavy weight paper on top of it.  Guided by my inner muse, I then pressed on the paper with my hands and elbows, marking creases into it with my fingertips and nails.  No brushes and no control and, certainly, no expectations!  

When I finally felt "done" and peeled back the top paper, there were all kinds of paint impressions on the underside of the that sheet of paper.  I looked into those "eyes" of that newly created image-friend, who seemed to look right through me.  After I added some more oil paint color to her hair and face and background, I sat down to journal with this new image-friend to she what she had "come" to tell me.  

That was in 1998, and today she is framed and hanging above my bed.  And she continues to teach me about the truth of my being.  She is my companion and guide.  She mirrors back to me the truth that I am, indeed, balanced within ...that I am a circle ...a circle of wholeness, radiating love and light.  I am made of particles from the stars, and inside every particle of me is the complete wisdom of the Universe.  That wisdom says that a true "wild woman" honors both the male and the female, both within and without, in a balanced and respectful way.  Now that is true power, not power to dominate or control, but power to create a "Carol Fairbanks" that lives out her truth and blesses the world with her presence!