"Earth Dance" © 2011 ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

"There is a love of wild nature in everybody, an ancient mother love ever showing itself whether recognized or no, and however covered by cares and duties."

                ~from John Muir's Journals - cited in Wilderness World of John Muir, edited by Edwin Way Teale (1954); and A Passion for Nature by Donald Worster (2008)

                                     Love Your Mother

The mountains, with their ascending challenge, are at a distance, the sun is rising brightly over the horizon, and I have my colorful dancing boots on!  As I move to the dance of life, my eyes are focused on what wonders the day will bring.  Connecting to mother earth with the rhythm of my feet, I feel a confidence in the part I play in the design of the day. Wrapped in a dress that is the color of pure love, I twirl to the sounds of creation. I am in harmony with the song of the earth, and my being here adds to its prophesy of goodness.  I feel the energy of "wild nature" expressing through me, as my compassionate mother nurtures my body and soul. My passion for living connects me more fully to the network of all life, as I celebrate the enduring music of my ancient mother.  She sings her never ending song of miracles, and rocks all of her children in the bosom of her protection.

Have we forgotten to listen to her earth music? Are we ignoring the cries of mother earth and forgetting the part we play in maintaining balance?  We all should dance more on the land that was created for joy.  We need to let go of our cares and duties and awaken the wild nature within each of us that longs to spin and twirl to the rhythm of life. Together we can "dance" forth the goodness and wholeness we long for. Our mother is inviting us join her in bringing balance and healing to our special blue planet. Will you accept?

"Moon Upon My Shoulder" ©  2004  ~ colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

"I used to be afraid to go outside, no more, no more.
Thought the ten foot people would have my hide,...no more, no more.
And it's nothing that I realized; it's not because I'm older.
Just one day I looked over and saw the moon upon my shoulder.

I used to be afraid to look inside,
To the place where fear and dreams collide.
But that is where my beauty lies; my spirit has unfolded.
Just one day I looked over and saw the moon upon my shoulder."

        ~ from the song, "Moon Upon My Shoulder"  by Debra Davis, Old Soul Music, ASCAP

                                     Lunar Learnings

As I have moved through the adventure of my life, I have come to feel a comfort in these "shoes" I now walk in.  I have settled into a familiar acceptance of who I am, limitations and all.  Oh, I might want to be richer, prettier or even saner, but I now know that my real confidence comes from something deeper within myself.  It comes from a knowledge of my "place" in the world.....from a realization of the rights I have in my destined "place".... and that no one has the right to take that from me.  In fact, no one can rob me of my "place" without my cooperation.  And just how have I learned that?

I have given away my "power" to be my true self over and over again, especially in my relationships with men.  In my being "other directed", I have strived to become what I thought would make me more lovable and acceptable.  In my fear of possibly losing that "love", I abandoned my dreams, and sometimes, my hopes for my future, just to get the attention and affection I thought I could not live without. But the painful struggle I repeatedly went through in "resurrecting" that self that I had stifled in the process, gave birth to a stronger, more confident me.  It was a tough way to learn, and maybe I still have some "scars" left from my time in relationship "combat",  but I have emerged a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable woman.

Like the moon that reflects the sun's light, my thoughts about myself mirror back to me how I feel about who I am.  If I reflectively think negative thoughts of lack and unworthiness, then my choices are probably going to be based on fear. As my self concept has matured, while surviving each growing opportunity,  I eventually created a newer and better life, focusing on love rather than fear.  And as that love grew, the foundation of my choices gradually came from within....from that place where my thoughts about myself radiate a reflection of my true worth.  Through coming to better know that truth, I have grown in my ability to love myself with more compassion and respect.  It's pretty difficult to sweep a "girl" off her feet when she is rooted and grounded in an acceptance and love of herself.  Finally, she is free to love and accept others as they are, because she no longer needs them to be or do anything to make her feel "complete".  It  is a lesson for a woman that is a lifetime journey, maybe longer, especially if she grew up in a family that was less than loving. 

But now in my later years, after moving through the relationship episodes in my heroine's journey, I can definitely see that "moon upon my shoulder".  It lights up an awareness within me of the possibilities for my life beyond what I have ever imagined as a younger woman.  Now, I know where my "beauty" lies, and it's not in my appearance or even my accomplishments.  It comes from being and loving who I am, while sharing time with others....laughing at those "ten foot men" who appear to threaten my "place"....and dancing happily down my path of adventures.....under the light of my full moon!

"Cycle of Life"  ©  2005  ~ colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                           "There is a river flowing now very fast.

It is so great and swift, that there are those who will be afraid.

They will try to hold on to the shore.  

They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination.

The elders say we must let go of the shore, 

push off into the middle of the river,

keep our eyes open, and our heads about the water.

And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.

                                

                                ~ Oraibi, Arizona Hopi, Nation

                                        Your Oneida brother

                                      Water Wisdom

"The Wave of Change" ©  2003  ~ crayon by Carol E Fairbanks

Are we running out of water?  How is that even possible on a planet that is mostly water?  Yet there are shocking statements in the news that water scarcity is a paramount issue in many countries, like Pakistan, and other smaller countries.  With the ever rising water demand of increasing populations and the climate change  reducing the snow-melt, this effect is predicted to eventually be felt by everyone on the planet to some degree.  Christian Holmes, global water coordinator for USAID, says, "The magnitude of it is extraordinary."  Indeed, the consequences could be dire, if we continue to use our resources, especially water, at the rate we have been.  A State Department report said that by 2030, the demand for fresh water in the U.S. will exceed our needed supply by 40%.  U.S. Representative, Jim Wright, in his book, The Coming of the Water Famine, says, "The crisis of our diminishing water resources is just as severe as any wartime crisis we have ever faced. Our survival is just as much at stake as it was the time of Pearl Harbor, or the Argonne, or Gettysburg or Saratoga."

A report made by Accenture for this year's Clinton Global Initiative for Global Resources on how well we are dealing with these issues said, "Despite wider awareness of the need to adopt sustainable practices, business efforts on sustainability may have plateaued." However, global businesses may feel less urgency to advance sustainable practices at a time when economic growth is sluggish.  Are governmental leaders doing all they can do to work cooperatively with corporate businesses encouraging them in adopting sustainable policies,  and are we, as responsible citizens, demanding that they do so?  And are all of us willing to make the efforts and sacrifices to protect our threatened water supply?


Oceanographer, Jacques Cousteau, said. "We forget that the water cycle and the life cycle are one."  If we believe that to be true, we are certainly going to do whatever it takes to conserve our water resources and avoid the realization of these frightening predictions of water shortage.  Tina Palmer, author of The Wild and Scenic Rivers of America, writes, " When we save a river, we save a major part of an ecosystem, and we save ourselves as well, because of our dependence  - physical, economic, and spiritual  - on the water and its community of life."  So how could we not let go of our greed and do everything that we can...spend whatever amount of money that it takes..... and work together tirelessly on a common goal of conserving our water to to ensure the quality of life on this planet for many years to come?

Okay, that's not exactly happening...at least not to the extent that is needed to make a significant difference.  Why? Where have we lost this understanding that we don't control and dominate nature?   We live as if we can do anything we want without compromising our desires.  So is there another underlying issue at stake?  I think that G. Soucie, who wrote an article in the Smithsonian, identified it.  "The real conflict of the beach is not between the sea and the shore, for theirs is only a lover's quarrel, but it is rather between man and nature.  On the beach, nature has achieved a dynamic equilibrium that is alien to man and his static sense of equilibrium.  Once a line has been established, whether it be a shoreline or a property line, man unreasonably expects it to stay put."

Unlike all of nature, man's lifestyle choices are usually not made in harmony with the flow of natural change.  Yielding to the forces of nature is something that humans seldom do except when there is a catastrophe,  and then that is usually only temporary.  I read that after terrible waves swept away beachfront homes recently, the owners, disregarding any possible conclusions about the wisdom of living there, were immediately making plans with insurance money to rebuilt in the exact same spots as their previous homes.

Water, in one form or another, has taught us many life lessons, from Noah's flood in the Bible to Katrina's devastation in New Orleans.  And the opportunities to learn and become wiser keep coming.  How hard do the lessons have to become, before we pay attention and listen?  How long will be it before we learn that we have an ever evolving place within the scheme of nature, and that we have to be responsible to all forms of life...both in the present and in the future to come?  And most importantly, will we learn that wisdom soon enough?
  

   Illumination

I stand at the shore watching the sea of ideas,

As they beckon me to follow an unknown path.

The waves of thought penetrate my will

Asking only for trust and promising ever freedom.

I gaze at the horizon seeking my destination,

But perceive instead the promise of infinity.

I anxiously search for a vessel of security

To carry me through these waters of uncertainty,

But there is none anywhere to be found.

There is only me, shaking and alone with my fear,

As the storm clouds shadow turbulent waves,

Shimmering rays of Truth break through the darkness,

And I am illumined by the dawn that pierces the night.

"Follow me",  the Light says "And do not be afraid."

You are that vessel of safety which you seek.

Have courage and faith and believe in your destiny.

Slowly, the winds of doubt struggle to become still,

And the stormy sea begins to release its violent rage.

 An omniscient light brightens the blues of the water,

And I am filled with that brilliance I see on the sea.

At one with the wisdom of water, I follow my path,

In the serene, peaceful flow in that cycle of life. 

~ © 2013    by Carol E. Fairbanks

"Harmony" © 2006  ~pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

         The Origin of my White Pelican Totem...

"A White Pelican Swims Alone" ~ 2003 in Colorado - Carol E  Fairbanks

When I was struggling to make sense of my choices about whether to stay in Colorado or not, I decided to go on a long walk and reflect upon my many options.  I drove north from Longmont to the city of Loveland to do a 10 km walk, that took me through a beautiful sculpture park. With the sun shining (pretty usual for Colorado!), I was inspired to take a number of photos.  As I circled the lake in the park, I spotted a white figure moving slowly in the water.  As I got closer, I was amazed to see a bird, that clearly loves lots of water, had touched down in very dry Colorado. With the "worst drought in 500 years" going on, I would think that Colorado would be the last place a bird like that would visit!  Another unusual phenomenon was that white pelicans are seldom alone...yet this one was!  This just had to be a message from Mother Nature that was a support for me in the midst of my pleas for help! Later, when I got home, I checked in my bird identification book about its normal habit range, and I read about the breeding areas of the white pelicans in the Northwest.  I was especially drawn to the breeding areas in southern Oregon in the Klamath Basin area.  At that time in Colorado, it was so hot and dry, that just thinking about that lush, green and well-watered area made me feel more peaceful.  It was because of sighting this solitary white pelican that I began thinking of the possibility of moving to the verdant northwest.

Up to that point, I had been planning to move back to Ohio when my lease for my apartment was up, but after this little white bird gave me a new vision, I seriously started to consider moving to Oregon.  Most people have much more practical and down-to-earth reasons for moving so far away, but at that time, Colorado had challenged me into radical new ways of thinking and decision making.  During my seven months living in Colorado, I had grown much closer to the messages from the natural world rather than those of the economic world of people.  I spent long amounts of time hiking the trails through the foothills and mountains, as well as exploring the sparkling streams that meandered through the mountain rocks. At that time, Mother Earth was more real to me than people were. I was a lot like that solitary white pelican....alone and perhaps in the "wrong" environment!

As I have read, when one finally opens to the guidance that is freely offered, the whole universe conspires to support your journey forward.  And that was just how it happened for me.  I applied and was accepted to the teacher training program at the Waldorf School in Eugene, and was on my way to make a home in Oregon before I could let  my fear stop me.  After living in Eugene for a short while, I knew that teaching elementary school was not meant for me any more, and I began to once again explore my passion for art.

After some creative experiences at a local community college and a struggle with a romantic relationship, I once again found myself at another difficult choicepoint.  I had broken my ankle and, being immobilized, my spiritual guides finally had me as a "captive audience".  So I opened to my inner feelings and started to draw with my white pencil...... and the white pelican appeared once again...this time coming into my vision through my heart onto my black paper.  While I was feeling, sadness and pain in my present situation, that familiar "white pelican" was beckoning me toward a truer vision of wholeness.  The energy of this totem was again moving me into a new way of perceiving my life...a vision that had been there all along, but that I had blocked with my limited thinking.  As the "white pelican" swam in and dominated the mountains, streams and lush evergreen trees of my deeply loved Oregon home, there was a finally a shift in me in how I "saw" myself there. Pelican medicine was guiding me to not be "weighed down" and overcome by my emotions (symbolized by the water) and to "fly above" those feelings to see a grander perspective of my life in the great northwest.

Later, when I have been asked, "What brought you to live in Oregon?"  I reply with a smile, "The white pelican."   And I don't usually explain when I am confronted with a puzzled look.  I feel more like a true Eugenian when I let others think I am a little "weird"! It's all a part of "Oregonizing" my life in better alignment to my true self!

"Cycle of Life"  © 2005  ~ colored pencil mandala by Carol E Fairbanks

"Gratitude"  ©  2011  ~ watercolor by Carol E Fairbanks

  "Serenity flows through the natural world.  Listen and you can hear the beating of your own heart and the deepening of your breath in rhythm and connection with the powerful tranquility of creation that becomes fully alive in you,  as you return to the roots of your being. 

                                                                                                  ~  Bella Bleue

"Vineyard Harvest" © 2009 ~ acrylic on wood tray by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                The Rhythm of Gratitude

                                     
When I read a quote by Meister Eckhart, a German theologian, that said, "If the only prayer you say in your whole life is 'Thank you', that would suffice",  I thought to myself, "Yes, that's what a "good" person does."  But lately I have come to believe the reason for being grateful is much more than being gracious to other people.  Having a grateful heart puts you in harmony with the very rhythm of the earth, and, indeed, with all of creation. In gratitude, we give away a part of ourself to be shared with others..... whether it is our money, our time or merely our loving attention given to one to whom we are grateful.  Perhaps "serenity flows through the natural world", because it is reflecting the act of creation, which is a major give-a-way that keeps repeating over and over again within all the cycles of the earth.  And when we imitate this act if giving, we become more energetically in sync with that creative flow. Our very breath and heartbeat are calmer and more efficient, when we think and act with the earth's rhythm.

"Mother Love" ©  1999  ~ pencil by Carol E Fairbanks

The ancients knew this and honored these earth cycles, revering them as sacred.  They celebrated the completion of every cycle they observed in the passing seasons, and the harvest time at the end of the summer season was especially honored.  They praised their bounty of crops that had been gathered for food, feeling grateful for what they could harvest.  And it gave them peace knowing that their survival was assured throughout the cold winter that was sure to come.  The cycles and rhythms of the earth supported and cared for them.  No wonder they thought of the earth as a symbolic "mother".

We, in this modern world, have almost forgotten what it is to live in full harmony with the natural rhythms of the earth.  We eat the same produce that is almost available every day of the year, rather than gratefully consuming the fruits and vegetables that are just in season.  We have electric lights that artificially extend our day way beyond sunset.  We change and alter rivers, lakes, land and all of creation, as if we are wiser than the source that created them.  And maybe saying "Thanks" once a year at Thanksgiving is not enough "gratitude" to include us fully in the creative cycle of life.  So what happens to our "hearts" when we are separated from the energetic "heartbeat" of the universe?  If we are not fully connected to that Source that gave us life...that gives everything life... are we somehow less "alive"?

For me, when I am not connected to nature in some way, I feel it in my body and emotions.  I feel much happier and energetic when I am in the presence of nature. This summer, I did a lot of gardening around my home and now feel more connected to this space I call home.  Is it because I am harmonizing the essence of my being with the rhythm of the earth?  Do I sense this earth energy within my body that tells me I am connected to something greater and, thereby, feel less "alone"?  Whatever the reason, I feel more serene and grateful with my plants and flowers radiating their colors back to me, as I gaze at them through my doors and windows.  It feels like I am surrounded by "love".  Maybe, I am....it's Mother Love!  Thanks, Mom!

"Honoring My Mother" ©  2003 ~ crayon by Carol E Fairbanks

"Primal Spirit" ©  1997 ~ oil and collage by Carol E. Fairbanks

"I waken into my dream traveling the now familiar wilderness landscape - that primal inner territory at the heart of all creation where Self is born."

                                                                ~  from At the Pool of Wonder
                                                                     by Marcia S Lauck & Deborah Koff-Chapin, artist

                                 The Wild Within

"Universal Oneness"©  1998  ~ colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

We live a lifestyle where we are separated from the natural world, of which we are an integral part.  Because we are alienated from a very important natural part of ourselves, we think that we can afford to lose the presence of other forms of life on the planet and not be affected or diminished by it.  We see humans as above creation, instead of existing as a part of the natural scheme of things, and that belief has created a "hole" in our hearts and made us a bit "crazy".  I believe that the increased violence we are seeing in the news is a cry for connection... for a return to our place as humans to the created order in the web of all life. 

A way to bring healing to this "insanity", that has perverted our way of thinking, is to realize the "wildness" within each of us.... that place of primal connection that contains the blueprint for the origin of our species.  Our destiny, as humans,  lies within that grid, and it outlines our connection, as well as our responsibility,  to all expressions of life.... from the smallest one celled organism to the unlimited expanse of the cosmos......... and everything in between.  Would we be making decisions that focus mainly on the "economy"  and our illusions of "power" if we were in touch with this ancient knowledge?  Probably not.

When I was in Florida, during a school holiday, my husband, at the time, took me to a race where men, looking like they belonged to the Mafia,  forced greyhound dogs to complete for their pleasure and amusement.  While watching the unruly crowd screaming at this event, as if  their survival depended on the outcome, I was filled with sadness...both for the people and the dogs.  To separate myself from the depleting energy of that activity, I went within and wrote the following poem.

                                                        Animals

In the beginning,

God created animals,

Large,

Small,

Immense,

Tall.

Free as a gull

In the splendor of flight,

Swift as a deer

Running with might.

Never taking from the earth

More than their share.

Never raping the land,

As only man would dare.

Where are those creatures

Running free,

Flying high,

In numbers exceeding 

The stars in the sky?

Animals are fewer

In man's heavy chains,

Being hunted in woods,

And caged in zoos,

Ridden at races,

Amid shouts and angry faces.

Are men so foolish

To think that they

Can break the chain of life

And not dearly pay?

©1976 by Carol E. Fairbanks

So, can we really break that chain and get away with it?  Evidently not!  We are experiencing such a great imbalance on the planet today, that even the Mother Earth, herself, is angrily "shouting back" in protest with global warming.  It is my prayer that we, once again, connect with that chain we keep "pulling apart"....that we awaken from the nightmare of destruction and greed and move toward a compassionate consciousness of connection with all life....that we acknowledge the "wild within" that makes us human!

"Free to Be"  ©  2003~ acrylic painting by Carol E. Fairbanks

"Darkness deserves gratitude.  It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in the sunlight."

                                                                                        ~  Joan Chittister
                                                                                     Uncommon Gratitude

                                    Celebrating the Darkness

             

"Shadow Self" © 2002 crayon by Carol E Fairbanks

    The shadow self is always there...waiting patiently behind us, knowing that, in time, life will present each of us with a challenge that causes us to finally turn around and listen.  Most of the time, we put on this facade that says, "No problem here!" Because we think that others can't "see" our pain, we become masters of "impression management". But the shadow self is still there, lurking in the darkness, safeguarding its wisdom for our future healing and growth. The shadow's message looks messy and complicated and definitely appears to require way too much of us.  So, we busy ourselves with our endless pursuit of activity to avoid any confrontation with it.  We think if  we don't pay attention to our shadow self, it will cease to exist.  And so our shadow self waits......and waits......knowing that eventually it will receive the honor and attention it deserves.

When I moved to Colorado in 2002, after my "magic summer" in Boulder the year before, I expected a gloriously happy new life. Everything in Ohio was not working for me, and Colorado seemed to offer all that I ever wanted.  While it was challenging moving by myself across the country, I felt elated ....  I was a "kid at Christmastime" and "all my flags were flying" !  I knew everything was going to be "perfect", and my shadow self just smiled and waited, knowing it would be the "perfect" time to introduce herself.

No drastic event happened on the outside of me in Colorado, but there was plenty going on in the inside!  No, Colorado was not utopia, and the nirvana I expected in living there didn't happen.  The challenge of having nothing familiar to distract or rescue me from myself (and my shadow!), created an opening in my psyche.  My shadow self stepped through that opening and  into my crayon drawings.  And she shouted at me to listen.  And so I did.  I drew dozens of drawings that year in Colorado and wrote several journals while listening to her truth, that had been hiding out in the dark places of my mind for many years. I cried and hiked and hiked and cried some more.  And, as I walked that dark "path" for most of that year, an interesting thing happened.....I began to feel better... and stronger....and more alive.

At the end of my year in Colorado, I took another painting class at Naropa University.  I went to class feeling shaky and unsure of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.   I felt like somehow it was my fault that I had failed to manifest that dream life that Colorado seemed to offer and was experiencing a lot of confusion about where next to make my home.  I was even considering moving back to Ohio.  Colorado was as beautiful as ever, but I was not "beautiful" in it!

At the painting class, I put all these inner rumblings aside and picked up my brush.  After saturating my anxious brush with the most "delicious" color on my palette,  I began to paint furiously.  My energy level rose, as vibrant colors filled the page.  On my paper a new vision for my future appeared....and it was not the dark colors of "sadness",  nor the ominous shapes of failure.  No, it was a celebration of my challenging months of living in Colorado.  And I was not only dancing, I was flying!  I appeared "lighter and freer" than I have ever been.

Creating and contemplating this celebration painting marked the end of a cycle for me, and my shadow self moved out of the limelight.  And up stepped my "Wild Woman" to center stage!  By the end of the summer of 2003, I would be living in my new home in Oregon, bringing with me the gift of wisdom and healing revealed to me by my wise woman shadow self.  And, in place of some of that inner pain I had experienced during my past year, was a whole lot of gratitude.

"Free to Be" © (close up) by Carol E  Fairbanks

Dance on - the world is yours, Wild Woman!

"Sacred Self"  ©  2011  ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

"Don't treat yourself as a commodity to be bartered, promoted, and sold.  Don't treat yourself as a self-improvement project.  Treat yourself as a source of revelation, a deepening presence that will make itself known to you in surprising and generous ways."
                                                                                                               ~   David Whyte
                                                                                            What to Remember When Waking

                                                 Being Who I AM

When I was putting off the tasks of today by playing solitaire on the computer, an ad popped up on the screen suggesting a way of self improvement.  It flashed the message , "With Liposuction - get your confidence back!" If only it were that easy to "suck" the negativity from my thoughts about who I am and allow that illumination of my true self to shine forth!  If liposuction could do that, I might sign up!  

But I believe that changing my consciousness, about who I believe I am, begins on the inside, rather than on the outside.  What I think over and over about myself is very likely to show up in my body and, as a result, manifest in my life, not the other way around.  So, once again, I am looking "within" to affect any real change in my body or my life.  My mind, however,  is not easily manipulated at will.  It takes dedicated intention and discipline, which I seem to be short of lately...... except when I am engaged in one of my two favorite actvities - hiking or art making.  Maybe that's why they are my passions - they are my path to a "better", more conscious, me!  They support and guide me in remembering all that I am.  

In learning how to create SoulCollage© cards, I have been amazed how many of these 8" by 5" card collages I have been inspired to create.  Seena Frost, the creator of this insightful creative technique, says that each of these cards represents an aspect of who I am.  Every image is a reflection of a part of me that wants to be expressed in my life....always bringing to me a wonderful message to facilitate my personal growth and self actualization. Presently,  I have created 155 card images and have journaled with these images in 3 different journals. When I first started creating these cards, I couldn't begin to conceive of an infinite number of collage images that might be possible.  But after 155, I don't feel I am even close to being "done" with imaging the aspects of who I am.  I believe no matter how many cards I have done, there will always be more waiting to be created.  That kind of gives me a glimpse of my Self as an infinite being...... a look beyond my finite body and brain.

Okay, how do I live from the revelation that I am an infinite being?  I must move from my limited thinking of how life works to a "fourth dimensional awareness", where I am first remembering Spiritual Truth and, then, through my personal awareness, am allowing it to express through me.  I move beyond those finite words and forms, that describe perceptions of spiritual law,  to an real experience of that Divine Presence, expressing as me into my daily life.  I cannot "will" this to happen; I can only allow it.  That requires trust and lots of it! And maybe the only sources that I am able to trust are the only sources that I should trust.  

Dialoging with my soul through my intuition happens when I create in that timeless space.... where I can finally release harsh judgements that block that divine flow.  Suzy Wolfer, therapist and teacher from Portland, says we can channel that life force energy in one of four ways.  We can do "flight" and run from it  ( a very familiar one for me!), we can "fight" it (also familiar!), we can freeze up (oh, shoot!.. I know that one, too!) or we can allow the flow of that energy and perceive it as divine grace.  

When I am hiking in nature, my awareness is open to my connection with all life, and I have taken the first step to replace my fear of aloneness with an experience of belonging.  In that place of experiencing oneness, I am more able to creatively allow those art images that reflect who I really am to "flow into my life and onto my paper or canvas. I do this art not to "improve myself, but rather I create to remember what I already know deep within me!   It all works together beautifully, if I can let go of my fear and, at last, open to that "light" within.  In the stillness of that "light",  I can finally be who I AM.

"Magic Summer"  ©  2001 ~  colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

During the summer of 2001, while staying in Boulder Colorado, I created this luminous mandala in my cottage by the Flatiron Mountains.  Still focusing on regaining my health after my serious illness, I was finally beginning to see the "light" that I AM...as shown in my mandala.  I love the way my art always shows me a way past my limited vision.  A new life for me, was revving its engine, and I had "signed up" for the "ride"! 

"Contemplating My Divinity" ©  2002 ~ crayon drawing by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                  My Quest for Truth

         "Nothing gives us rest but the sincere search for truth."    ~ Blaise Pascal



Back in the 70's when I was breaking through the dissolution and disappointments about my life, and searching for truths to replace them, I collected a lot of posters.  One, I remember, said, "The search for truth will set you free, even if you never catch up with it."  I don't know who said that, but I really agreed with it and still do!  Part of my reason for this soul searching blog of mine is to reveal some truths about life on planet Earth, in order to better understand about my own journey.  Most of my life I have searched for this wisdom in people, places and things outside of myself.  I have relentlessly attained college degrees, certifications and other validations from those people and institutions, whose opinions I valued more my own.  I have been literally on a journey of achievement and accomplishments that has been more about running from who I am, instead of being who I am.

Fortunately, in my elder years, I am not able (or willing any more!) to keep up that pace of constant pursuit of achievement and resume-making.  I want to keep growing and learning, ever expanding my consciousness of who I am in relation to the rest of the world, but in new ways.  So, in honoring this "quest for truth",  my search has evolved into an inner journey of the heroine.  My art image companions that I create are gently suggesting the paths for me to take.... and sometimes advising me to "go where there is no path and (blaze) a trail.  (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Why do this at this time in my later years, when maybe I should be instead concentrating on my "bucket list"?  Probably I have set out on this inner journey, because I need to know that I am fulfilling my service to the world through this lifetime of Carol Fairbanks....at least a part of it.  So, I gather all my gifts and resources and take a "walk" through this blog to search for answers to the questions that sometimes rob me of my rest and peace. I am exploring everything....my successes and my past mistakes, the things I'v done that make me proud, as well as ashamed, and especially all the interactions with people, both close to me and brief encounters.  Has the world been better in some way just because I have lived?

It's no small stuff and, at times, I wish I never had taken a step on this self-reflective path.  But there has been a calling and urgency within me to do this inner trek of self examination...not in a judgmental type of manner, but rather in a sincere search for meaning of everything and everyone in my life.  I want to have these later years of mine be my best, the most fruitful, where everything that I choose to do is born from a wisdom that I have gleaned from my journey.  I do not want my fears to limit me or my sadness to defeat me.  I want the knowledge of who I am to be a catalyst in being a greater service to the things I believe in.  I want love, both of self and others, to be the foundation of how I choose to behave in my relationships.  I want a healthful balance of quiet solitary time and authentic interaction with meaningful, loving and caring people.  I want my dreams of love and service to be manifested through all that I think, say and do, especially in my art.   The poem I wrote for my Crescent Moon Art Studio in 1997 says it very well.

                                                    The Realized Dream       

                   On my journey of self discovery,

                   I encounter within me an artist,

                  A creative center from which emanates

                  The light of knowing and being.

                  With paint on my brush.

                  I sweep across the canvas

                  And feel like the "queen of everything".

                  My art images speak truth to me

                  As they reflect my soul within.

                  I am healing my heart with love,

                 while I color my world.

© 1997   by Carol E. Fairbanks

           

"Waiting"  ©  2012  ~  acrylic by Carol E. Fairbanks

                      Give up your endless searching....

             

                    Lay down your map and compass

                    and those dog-eared travel guides.

                    Rest your weary eyes from so much looking,

                    your tired feet from so much hoping.

                   Lay down on the soft green grass

                  wet with morning dew, and watch 

                 as the tree heavy with pendulous pears

                  bends her long branches toward you,

                  offering you perfection in every sweet bite.

                                               
                                                                                ~ Christine Valters Paintner

                                          Ending the Endless Search

I love to be  active...to climb mountains...to work hard on completing creative projects.  It makes me feel alive..like I'm a vital part of the activity we call life.  I've tried a number of times to practice meditation by sitting quietly in silence.  My body seems to "shout" at me to work on something... anything!  And I argue back for it to be quiet and behave!  So the argument goes, until it becomes a screaming match.  Not wanting to begin the day with trying to discipline that "unruly child",  I call my body, I tend to avoid that stillness practice.  Maybe my inner fight is not just about shortening my "to do" list, but rather I am needing to escape that inner urgent voice that asks, "What if your heartfelt dreams don't come true?  What if what you are waiting for never materializes?  What if you never find what you are searching for?"  

During my activity, I watch the horizon for the appearance of a "ship" that is carrying my dreams.  I look for hints that tell me that happiness is sailing my way. This Cinderella-type of waiting is something I have always had contempt for, and I would deny vehemently that I am even remotely searching for anything in that way.  In junior high school, when we sang, "Some day my prince will come", I would roll my eyes jokingly and laugh, but inside I secretly wished for the materialization my personal "dreamboat"!

Through the years as I have matured, after moving through some learning opportunities,  I have come to accept that  I am not an island or a rock.  As much as I have admired the Vulcans on Star Trek  (especially Mr. Spock), who were not burdened with emotions, I can never be like them.  The truth is that I am a very sensitive person whose emotions are very communicative.  My imagination has always been overactive, and I have never ever been very grounded and linear in my thinking.  Part of my process of maturing has been to accept this flightiness in me and actually like it.  

With this said about me,  it's probably no accident that two of my favorite activities are hiking and art making.  Hiking, especially in nature, helps me to feel emotionally stable and grounded, and my art making gives my energetic imagination a chance to soar.  The more I actively participate in these passions, the less need I feel for a "Prince Charming" or anything that would "save" me from the nothingness I sometimes experience. Both my hiking and my painting teach me that what I am waiting for is not outside of me, looming on the horizon, but instead has always been within me.  I have chased this truth through studying variousness reliable sources, who claim to be a lot wiser than me, but I had never quite caught up with a real experience of that truism until I engaged in hiking and art making.  Maybe the real "Prince Charming" does not ride up on a white horse and sweep me off of my feet with words of love. And perhaps, what I am searching for can only be found through doing what I really love.  When I use my inner passions to reveal who I really am, a kind of "savior" steps forward to mirror back to me the beauty of my soul, not yet expressed in my life.  

So, I can lay down "my maps and my compass", and move my "weary eyes" from the horizon outside of me to the rich landscape within. I can shelve those "dog-eared travel guides" and put up my tired feet, because I can finally rest in the fascinating "home" of my true self.  On the table next my supportive easy chair is a bowl of luscious "pendulous pears" that are offering me that sweet life I thought I had to chase. And here it is.... asking me to be open and still enough to receive it.

          

"Illumination" © 2011 ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

          "The longest journey is the journey inwards of (she) who has chosen (her) destiny."

                                                                                           ~  Dag Hammarskjold

                                     By the Light of the Full Moon

"Inner Calling"  © 2003 ~ crayon drawing by Carol Fairbanks

Sometimes a voice within inspires me with such volume that I just cannot ignore it.  Often, because I perceive that it threatens my security and will require a change, I make every effort I can to run away from such guidance.  But the "mouth" shouting its message just gets bigger and louder, and finally, with part resignation and part curiosity,  I begin to listen.  After all, the "mouth" that was blaring at me by the time I seriously began listening, was a flower... a red rose...the symbol of love.  So how bad could that be?!

As I looked at my recently finished crayon drawing I later called "Inner Calling", I searched for "clues" as to where I should move and make my new home.  I had lived in Colorado for a year and, after weathering the worst drought in 500 years, a big piece of the state burning up in forest fires and finally the letting go of a job where the boss seemed to think that leadership meant upsetting people, I was at last ready to explore new possibilities.  Okay, there was water in this drawing, and mountains and a giant rose that was talking to me.  And there was some green growth lit up by a big full moon that was connecting all of this.  Did these colorful images have some meaning for me in my search for guidance?  

With my interest in the Waldorf education and their integration of arts into the curriculum, I had explored getting Waldorf teacher training in Eugene, OR.  I had searched their weather online, and it predicted rain and clouds, followed by some showers. No where on the weather chart for Eugene did I seen the symbol for the sun.  I immediately thought, "No way I could live somewhere where it rains that much!" and dismissed the idea immediately.  But now this giant rose was shouting at me while I closed my eyes and turned away from its persistent voice.  Should I reconsider going to Oregon?  Portland was known as "Rose City",  and roses really loved that misty rain that dominated the winters.  And Oregon was by the ocean and had beautiful mountains.  Could all this be dismissed, especially when I saw that big mouth "rose" reaching its tendril out to snare me?!

Well, I did move the Oregon and, not due to any planning or awareness on my part, it was on the night of the full moon.  My daughter, Annie, an adventure-lover like me, flew out to Colorado and helped me drive to Oregon with my two cats while that luminous orb lit the way.  The Waldorf training in Eugene did not work out for me, but I did find the home connection I was seeking. It's been over ten years since that August full moon journey to my new home, and I am so grateful for the guidance of that big mouth  rose that wouldn't stop talking to me! "Inner Calling", or should I say "Oregon Calling",  inspired the way! 

"The Continuity of Life" ©  2003 ~ crayon drawing by Carol E. Fairbanks

 All is a circle within me,

I am ten thousand winters old.

I am as young as a newborn flower,

I am tree in bloom.

All is a circle within me.

I have seen the world through the eagle's eyes.

I have seen it though the gopher's hole.

I have seen the world on fire

And the sky without a moon.

All is a circle within me.

I have gone to the earth and out again.

I have gone to the edge of the sky.

Now all is at peace within me,

Now all has a place to come home.

~ Joan Halifax

The Fruitful Darkness

                             

                                           The Changeless Part of Me

Humankind, since the beginning of recorded time, has written about immortality of the soul. We can also view the art of earlier civilizations, like that of the Egyptians and other ancient near eastern people, and see how they symbolize their belief in the immortal aspect of each individual.  The magnificent pyramids were built solely for the purpose of supporting that journey of the soul after death.  Today, there are many books written about near death experiences that describe what happens in the realm of spirit when we leave our body.  Is this just wishful thinking that there is a part of us that does not die?  Or is there a Truth about our immortality that is revealed to us through our art, both visual and written?

Because I turned 71 years old last January, this is a topic that I have been contemplating lately.  I really don't like the "when it's over, it's over" way of looking at death.  I would much rather, transcend to a spiritual realm, but I do feel some resistance to even that idea, as it has so much unknown about it.  In surveying a number of books written by people who claim to have experienced "heaven", I believe that the transcendent experience is a highly individual one.  Maybe it has to do with the experience of the soul in this lifetime and the needs of the spiritual body when it makes that transition.  Who really knows for sure?

I read somewhere in my transpersonal art books that the language of the soul is one of image.  Finite words are inadequate when used to describe the Divine.  Perhaps a way to move past the finite chatter that goes on in the brain, is to create imagery in a freed- up meditative state.  I have found that just taking a brush dipping in into some color that looks luscious, and then "dancing" it across the paper, will connect you to place beyond those worries and judgements.  There, in that state of creative play, you finally have the possibility of experiencing a Truth that is an expanded vision of who you really are.  Barry Ebert, a neurosurgeon who wrote a book about his journey into the afterlife, believes that the brain functions as a filter of the consciousness as it manifests into human form.  He says "In fact, consciousness gets dumbed down to almost a trickle, which is necessary in here and now in our lives surviving, in the Darwinian sense, on this planet."  If that is true, our conscious mind can't be aware of of all of who we are. Maybe those created images that emerge from our intuitive imagination could expand our "vision".

Ebert meditates 2 hours every day, and I believe that is a very good way to touch those places in ourselves.  But what if we take those images, whether "seen" in the mind's eye or just felt, and give them form and color....what wonderful things they could share with us. And that is how this powerful woman above was created.  I had moved to Colorado with my two cats and thought I was going to have a wonderful life there.  When I first lived in my beautiful apartment that gave me a fabulous view of two fourteeners, Long's Peak and Mount Meeker, I played the songs of John Denver, and danced around my Colorado home singing "Rocky Mountain High".  I should have known when I drove on my cross country trip into Colorado the previous month and it was hailing baseball size ice balls and storm chasers were driving around looking for funnel clouds, that I was in for a rocky ride.  So when I went through an experience similar to what St. John of the Cross described as a "dark night of the soul", I shouldn't have been surprised.

I  was fairly experienced in doing a transpersonal approach to art through my art therapy group and art workshops, so I bought a journal and a deluxe box of crayons that any child would be thrilled with and started coloring.  I let the crayons "talk" to me and help me make sense of the sadness and pain that was surfacing in me.

"Loneliness"©  2002 - crayon drawing

So I colored my feelings and created images that I journaled with.  I completed two journals that year in Colorado, and it was a powerful time for exploring who I was beyond the drama and story of my life in Ohio.  The images were sad, peaceful, powerful and helpless. They were as varied as my feelings and experiences that powerful year in Colorado.  It was not to be that home for me that I was looking for, but Colorado certainly paved the way to Oregon.  Maybe I had some growing to do before I came to Oregon and finally found that home connection I was looking for.

As I look at the confident woman above that "danced" out through my crayons when I lived that tumultuous year by the Rocky Mountains, I am sensing she is "telling" me some more about who I am at this time.  She says, like Glinda from the Wizard of Oz told Dorothy, "You've had the power, you've always had the power."  I think this image is referring to my soul...the part of me that never changes...that lives on forever.  She tells me, "You are connected to that "Source" that created you.  You can never be separated from that Power."  She looks omniscient and immortal...maybe  I am too.  Maybe we all are.

                         

"The Power to Be" ©  1997  ~  colored pencil mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                 
                                                          Daring to Gallop

" Destiny is not a strange power which determines what shall happen to me.  It is myself, as given, formed by nature, history and myself.  My destiny is my freedom; my freedom participates in shaping my destiny."
                                                                                           ~ Paul Tillich
                                                                                                       Systemic Theology

My life had been nagging me for a change for some time now.... I wanted something different, something new, but lacked the energy to manifest a real change.  Maybe it was the overwhelming fact that everything in my life wanted my attention at once.  My teaching job was stifling my creativity.  I had stopped doing my avid walking program and was hardly exercising at all.  I still was recovering emotionally from the break up of my marriage.  I was alone...really alone and with very few connections and almost no purpose.

When my art therapist introduced me to the book of luminous mandalas by Judith Cornell, it was the first thing I had gotten excited about for a long time.  I immediately made plans to attend a workshop with Judith Cornell that summer at Hollyhock Center on Cortes Island in British Columbia.  With geography not being my strong suit, I had no idea where British Columbia was, but that didn't matter.  I was going...I had to go, because I needed to feel something beyond my sadness.  I could put my frustration on a shelf for a while, because I was going to tap into a wisdom within me through this art form.

I had always looked outside of myself for a "savior", but this time I was going within.  And didn't I read that we have all the wisdom of the Universe within our soul center.  So, hope for the future was "jump started" with my plans to fly to Seattle, hop a seaplane from there to Cortes Island, and hitch a ride, after landing in the water, to Hollyhock Center.  I was finally moving from that dismal "nothing" place to an adventure that had true promise!

It was the farthest that I ever traveled alone, but I made it, seaplane and all!  The center on this nature -filled island had eagles flying around like "robins" and served organic home cooked meals that probably added 5 years to my life.  All that and the walks by the serene water's edge did a lot to restore my sense of calm and inner peace.  I was ready to draw.. both on paper and also draw from that well of wisdom within me that I so desperately wanted to access.  In guiding the group to visualize an animal symbol for our animal totem mandala, Judith asked us to image an animal in meditation and then become that animal...both in movement and sound. I had visualized a horse and, for a moment, hesitated galloping around the room and neighing.  But I really was counting on this experience to help change my life, so.... off I went around the room ....whinnying and tossing my "mane"!  I "galloped" over to my paper, grabbed my pencil with my "hoof" and,  to my amazement, danced out this horse!  

Well, if I wanted a "jump-start" for my journey, I got it....because this horse was saying to me,  "You are on your way, girl!  Yehaa!!!   Hold onto your hat,  because we are galloping full speed down the road of your journey with sights on your destiny!  When I arrived back home later that week, the lower level of my home had flooded due to a water leak, and my entire studio area had to be completely torn out and redone.  At school, the administrators crossed a boundary by cutting my budget for the program I was teaching,  and I made a decision to leave my job and retire at the end of the school year.  And I had  an opportunity to join a women's group that helped me learn invaluable ways of better relating to myself and others. Life was never going to be the same for me after I released my "horse" and rode him down the path of my destiny. "Yehaaaa!"

"Embracing Change" © 1997 ~ colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                               Shedding My Skin

"Fighting my Fate" © 1995 - crayon

At least 15 years ago, in Art Therapy class, I created this crayon drawing (on the left) that was inspired by an image I experienced in a stressful dream.  In that dream, I struggled fearfully with this terrible snake, whom I felt threatened my very life.  In the middle of what seemed to be the end of me, I woke up abruptly, feeling terrified. Any restful sleep after that was impossible.

Later, when I went to my art therapy class, the art therapist suggested that I draw that image in my art journal.  Much to my amazement, the "terrible" snake, that had created such fear in me, now looked almost friendly in my drawing!  The struggle was still very much there, but the reason for it did not appear to exist anymore!  I thought to myself, "What if I let go of that snake? If I release my fierce grip, would it harm me? Could I possibly let go of my need to control and just relax in the presence of this snake?

The snake, after that initial experience in my art therapy group, has been a frequent image that has appeared in many of my transpersonal drawings and paintings.  Ted Andrews, author of Animal Speak, says that snakes are symbols of change and healing.  He goes on to say, "When snake comes into your life, the changes occur quickly and are soon recognized.  Release any fears and do not resist the changes, because they bring with them new expressions of creativity, wisdom and strength."  In other words, shed the old willingly and embrace the new opportunities!

As for those feelings...... Andrews notes that snakes have poor vision and rely mostly on their sensitivity to vibrations and smell. His advice, according to snake medicine, is to not trust what I see, but rather trust what I feel.  Those feelings I often flee from are, in reality, very important information to help me in making wise choices during times of transition.  Snake tells me that I will feel those changes arriving before I actually recognize them.

About 4 years later, I drew a very different snake in a mandala in a workshop with Judith Cornell, author of Luminous Mandalas.  In that colored pencil mandala pictured at the top, I was again holding a snake, but in a much different way.  Instead of gripping fiercely and trying to control the snake, in this newer mandala drawing I seemed to be honoring the snake.  There is no fearful grip, resisting the snake, but rather this time I am supporting the movement of the snake and allowing it to do whatever it has come to do.  The new snake looks regal and seems to have an important mission to accomplish.  This time I am embracing that transition that this snake represents with my open, welcoming hands.

So while snake has brought me a message of how to be in the midst of shedding those things I need to release, snake also says, that loss is not an ending, but rather a doorway to a new beginning.  Snake power is honoring all parts of the cycle of life - birth, death and RESURRECTION!