"Heartfelt" © 2002   ~  crayon drawing by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                               Creating Time for Joy


"Find the thing that stirs your heart and make room for it.  Life is about the development of self to the point of unbridled joy."
                                                                                       Joan Chittister
                                                                              Monasteries of the Heart Newsletter



In making choices about how to spend my time and resources, I have often neglected the creative "things that stir my heart".  Because those art passions have often been relegated to the lower places on my " things I need to do" list, they are seldom checked off as done.  I am too tired, too anxious, too out of time, etc., etc., etc.....  By the time I do the so called "things I must get done",  like the budget, housecleaning and repair, cat care, shopping, laundry and the list goes on..., I don't have the time or energy to start doing those image-making activities that "stir my heart".

But there is part of me that thinks that there is something more to my avoidance of art making than "not having enough time and energy".  Just what is the real reason that I have a wonderful art room and hardly ever go in there to paint and draw?  What keeps me from finishing the wonderful paintings that I have started?  When I dearly love to paint and draw, why do I get so anxious when I think about doing it?

Creating art for me is a solitary activity where I connect with a deep part of myself.... a place that is like the "rainbow connection" one of my students once wrote about.  He said that it was the place where "dreams become a reality".  Lately, after seeing myself turn 71 years old, I find myself feeling anxious about whether or not my dreams will be fulfilled.  I ask myself, half angry and half afraid, "What if they never happen?"  Can I be at peace with that?  This could be something that people, as they get older, struggle with. Does that fear keep me from feeling okay about connecting deep within myself alone in my studio?

Right now, the thing that I want to do most is participate in activities that establish authentic connections with others. My experience in art classes has not done that for me lately.  Often, in my painting classes, since the focus is on technique, the sharing of art has been based on who has done the techniques correctly or incorrectly.  The words "good" and "bad" are commonly used in referring to the created images that we are sharing.  Are we missing the real gift of art making?  Are we losing an incredibly rich opportunity to connect with others in a real and valuing way?   My heart says, "Yes."

I do not want my art making to set me apart from others by such comparisons.  That makes me feel lonelier. So I have stayed away from classes and as a result, am not doing any art.  I must find another way, because I really miss that "unbridled joy" of painting and drawing. And, as a result, I miss myself.