"Woman Ascending" © 2004 ~     colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                    Giving Voice to my Dream

"Woman must not accept; she must challenge.  She must not be awed by that which is been built up around her; she must reverence that woman in her which struggles for expression." 
                                                                                                 Margaret Sanger

                                                 

From feeling like a headless mannequin, adorned with store bought decorations, to soaring with the knowledge of the "pearl" of who she truly is, a woman moves unpredictably through the experiences of her life.  With finally knowing of her true self and accepting its value, a woman, at last, has the courage to give word and form to her true essence. Before that moment of unconditional acceptance, her life is a struggle between gender-inspired obligations and manipulative compliments. She is constantly looking to one form of authority or another to define, evaluate and recommend her life choices.

Yet woman steadily ascends on the flow of her life events, as she moves through the facade of society's expectations and suggested gender roles.  She sorts out what is someone else's truth from her own, sometimes with great frustration and anger, and then begins to form a new definition of herself.... one that is based on who she really is and not some contrived stereotype of who she should be.  Woman ultimately offers the pearl of her true self to a world very much in need of her gift. Every time a woman makes this ascent of self in her heroine's journey, the world is a little more loving, a little more at peace with itself.

For the planet to move toward wholeness, a woman must, with reverence and courage, begin to at last express her truth. It doesn't matter if the form is word, paint or stone... it's only important that the essence of her creation reflect the spirit of her true self.  So, moving from mannequin to woman in flight, I am writing this blog, while honoring the "woman" in me that struggles for expression.  I am painting and drawing the images that give form and color to my words, while healing my heart with love and acceptance.  It is only in honoring this self actualizing ascent that I can know the fullest joy of being alive as a woman....a woman in awe of herself!

"Heartfelt" © 2002   ~  crayon drawing by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                               Creating Time for Joy


"Find the thing that stirs your heart and make room for it.  Life is about the development of self to the point of unbridled joy."
                                                                                       Joan Chittister
                                                                              Monasteries of the Heart Newsletter



In making choices about how to spend my time and resources, I have often neglected the creative "things that stir my heart".  Because those art passions have often been relegated to the lower places on my " things I need to do" list, they are seldom checked off as done.  I am too tired, too anxious, too out of time, etc., etc., etc.....  By the time I do the so called "things I must get done",  like the budget, housecleaning and repair, cat care, shopping, laundry and the list goes on..., I don't have the time or energy to start doing those image-making activities that "stir my heart".

But there is part of me that thinks that there is something more to my avoidance of art making than "not having enough time and energy".  Just what is the real reason that I have a wonderful art room and hardly ever go in there to paint and draw?  What keeps me from finishing the wonderful paintings that I have started?  When I dearly love to paint and draw, why do I get so anxious when I think about doing it?

Creating art for me is a solitary activity where I connect with a deep part of myself.... a place that is like the "rainbow connection" one of my students once wrote about.  He said that it was the place where "dreams become a reality".  Lately, after seeing myself turn 71 years old, I find myself feeling anxious about whether or not my dreams will be fulfilled.  I ask myself, half angry and half afraid, "What if they never happen?"  Can I be at peace with that?  This could be something that people, as they get older, struggle with. Does that fear keep me from feeling okay about connecting deep within myself alone in my studio?

Right now, the thing that I want to do most is participate in activities that establish authentic connections with others. My experience in art classes has not done that for me lately.  Often, in my painting classes, since the focus is on technique, the sharing of art has been based on who has done the techniques correctly or incorrectly.  The words "good" and "bad" are commonly used in referring to the created images that we are sharing.  Are we missing the real gift of art making?  Are we losing an incredibly rich opportunity to connect with others in a real and valuing way?   My heart says, "Yes."

I do not want my art making to set me apart from others by such comparisons.  That makes me feel lonelier. So I have stayed away from classes and as a result, am not doing any art.  I must find another way, because I really miss that "unbridled joy" of painting and drawing. And, as a result, I miss myself.

"Merging toward Oneness" © 1995  ~   pencil mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                  My Creative Muse Speaks

"There is only One: One Power, One Creative Energy.  One Force, and One Infinite Intelligence.  There is nothing but this One, which is the unity of everything."
                                                                                    Rev. Janet Kingsley, Flagstaff, AZ


In 1995, I drove up to Wooster, Ohio from my home in Northern Kentucky to take a workshop on drawing mandalas with pencils on black paper.  It was the first of what was to be for me, in time, 8 workshops, and it was life changing.  I had gone through a very painful divorce and was searching for a new perspective of my life .... trying to see myself as whole and loving, while feeling very broken and alone.  This workshop was taught by Willow Kushler, who was an assistant to Judith Cornell, an artist and author who had birthed this creative technique in her book, Luminous Mandalas.

With a copy of her mandala book in my hand, I arrived at the weekend workshop, not knowing what to expect.  So, I felt a little nervous and very inadequate, as I compared what I might do to the illustrations in Cornell's book.  My judgement mode was in full gear, and I considered putting on my running shoes immediately.  But as I entered the lodge where the workshop was held, music from one of my favorite singers, Enya, was playing.  "Just have fun and RELAX", I told myself, as I signed in and found my room.

Later in session, while in preparation for doing our large color mandala, Willow led us in a mediation where we were to visualize a symbol.  We were to be accepting of anything that appeared in our "mind's eye" and let it become an inspiration for a design for our mandala.  What did I "see"?  I saw nothing...total blackness.... not a color, not a form ....just endless darkness.  I started to squirm and think about my running shoes once again.  While I was trying to figure out a way to escape from the embarrassment of not receiving a symbol, we were instructed to open our eyes and start drawing our symbol.  I picked up my white prismacolor pencil and started drawing.  Since I did the guided meditation, that symbol just had to be somewhere in me, even if I didn't "see" it!

The mandala above is what was birthed from deep inside of me that day.  It was the first time I had completely surrendered to that creative muse within.  It was so deep within me that even my "mind's eye" could not see it.  While drawing, it was like someone was giving me step by step instructions, and I followed them, not seeing what was coming next. I was totally in the present moment and had incredible peace in doing this drawing, unlike the usual anxiety I experience when creating.

And the symbol that "flowed" from my pencil was just what I needed to begin to heal that sad and broken part of me.  It was the message of oneness. I didn't need to "fight" to get what I needed.....it was already there within me.  All the love, goodness and prosperity that I had scaled mountains to try to attain was already mine.  I was the "One" I was searching for, because, in truth,  I can never be separated from that Source, for It is me, and I am It.   There is only One.....Oneness....

"Connection" © 2011  ~     watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                   An Experience of Oneness


"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.  It is a bid for connection."
                                                                                    Dr. Renee Brown, author, lecturer and author


I have heard and read a number of times how healing it is for us to love and care for a pet. They satisfy a need for a feeling of connection with someone outside of ourselves. And the act of loving some living thing beyond our narcissistic self gets us in touch with a truth of oneness.  It raises our consciousness to a level higher than a "what's in it for me" attitude to an "I am an integral part of all life" belief.

Most our us would agree that being vulnerable and risking being hurt and rejected by our loyal and loving pets is minimal, when compared with people.  Are we confusing dependence with love?  Or are we expecting a lot more from relationships with people than we do our "furry friends"?  Whatever the case, no man has ever purred lovingly when I came home and needed support after doing a "dance" with the challenging world.

However, loving our pets do give us a chance to practice loving unconditionally.  It gives us an opportunity to experience what it feels like to be connected in a real and authentic way... a way that moves beyond those empty, unfulfilled words and unkept promises. It gives us tools to begin living without the lies we tells ourselves about our "unworthiness".  Through that connection with our "fur buddies", we can let go of the shame that drains our capacity to change and that blocks our creativity.  We are freer to grow in confidence and benefit the world with the gifts of who we are, if we are exchanging love with another living thing.  So maybe, experiencing loving relationships with our pets better prepares us to be vulnerable in loving those people relationships, that fall short of the ideal.  And undoubtedly, what the world needs is more of that "love, sweet love!"

So thank you to all the kitties and dogs and other furry beasts that bring out the very "best" in us!!!

Creative Play

                                                             

"Color's  Promise" ©  1996  ~ colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                          Creative Play


"There is no right and wrong way to make art.  Colors and shapes and objects and materials - they just are just what they are.  They are color.  They are form.  They are for you to play with."                                       
                                             ~ Jane Seaton, author of ArtLife

                                                                             

When I am in a very judgmental mode, my creativity is stifled, and my imagination seems nonexistent.  If I am entertaining any thoughts of finding something wrong with me, it is immediately transferred to my feelings about what I am attempting to create.  If I feel "ugly", my painting looks ugly to me.  If I am experiencing fear or sadness, I tend to paint in blues and grays.  Indeed, the imagery in my art reflects back to me what needs healing and attention.  If I can accept my "ugly" and "fearful" and "sad" parts instead of fighting with them, that imagery can begin to function as caring friends that support me in moving past my darker illusions of who I am.

My ego is an important part of me for getting into my studio and working, but then I need to let go of my control mode and be more welcoming of the images that move through me onto the paper or canvas. There is always something important to be learned when I can do that.  It is very powerful to do this transpersonal process in a creative community, where perceptions, inspired by image making, are shared with supportive feedback- no judgement, no advice-giving  - just validating acceptance of me and my process. Most of the artwork on my blog has been done in this way, especially the pencil and acrylic mandalas.

But I have found that creating art in a more traditional community, that sets up competitions and encourages a need for outside approval, is very toxic for me.  Either way, whether people are liking my art or finding fault with it, I get out of balance.  But when people praise my art, my ego laps it up and wants more and more and is anything but quiet. This relentless search for approval, whether inspired from words or sales, shuts my creativity down and makes me want to run from artmaking.  It feels as "too stressful", and I tend to rationalize an endless list of reasons of why I cannot do art. Of course, if people don't like or buy my art, I feel like a failure, and my fears of being less than are confirmed (according to my ego).

When I started this blog, I intended to document my walking adventures.  But much to my surprise, the "feet" of my blog have taken a different trail.  The Wild Woman Walker is trekking an interior trail through my fear and anxiety of doing art.  Those transpersonal images of mine, that have been waiting patiently, some for years, are now speaking their wisdom to me. As I "walk" with these "image friends", they share with me insights that are much richer than any wisdom source outside of me.  They come on a cloud of vibrant color and lovingly offer to me a vision of who I really am.

"Dancing My Dreams" © 2011  ~    acrylic painting by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                                A New Plan


                                  "You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
                                     Love like you'll never be hurt,
                                      Sing like there's nobody listening,
                                      And live like it's heaven on earth."
                                                              William W. Purkey

Here's a new concept!  Whatever I desire, rather than my usual working hard and exhausting myself to achieve it, I am just going to "dance" it into manifestation instead!  Now just what does that look like?  Well, there is no worrying.... no trying to control people and situations.... and no more fear about what others think of me!  There is just the dance, free and wild... no plan that I wrestle to the ground and no stress incurred in that struggle.  I am just laughing and having fun, in love with this experience called life.  Really, whatever happens is okay, because I can benefit and learn from all senarios.  However, the senarios that are "danced" in, I suspect, are a bit more full of joy!  So turn up the music, clear the floor, and step out of my way ..... I kinda feel like dancin'!

"The Gift"  © 2011  ~   acrylic painting and collage by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                    

                                                        The Place of Presence


"So much of modern life is a feverish anticipation of future activity and excitement.  We have to learn to step back from this into the freedom and possibility of the present." 
                                                                                               Fr. Bede Griffiths
                                                   

"Feverish activity" is not hard for me.  I come by it naturally.  With just about everything that I do, I pour myself 100 % into it.  In fact, I tend to feel lost if I don't have something that I can work hard at.....something that requires almost every part of my being and my time. It's not all bad, because whatever I do or create benefits some person or group. The problem is, when I work that hard, I tend to neglect my self care, both physically and spiritually.

Working hard occupies my thoughts and channels them to some task, rather than to my issues of healing and growth that are calling to me.  The greatest loss, however, is that the frenzied activity of meeting idealized deadlines, which are usually unrealistic for human beings, keeps me from being in the present moment.  Since it is only in the present moment that one can receive guidance and gifts from the Universe, I am certain to miss out on some really good stuff!  If one can slow down enough, one can learn through meditation that there is a "source of all there is" within us.  From this mystery emanates all that our senses perceive in this world.  We are all united as one, because we are all formed out of that one source.  Finite words cannot define or explain it. It is only through an inner experience of communing with that source that you can really "know" that truth.

So as I inhale deeply and breathe out slowly, I feel myself beginning to quiet down.  I release the need to be active, and I sit quietly without moving.  I close my eyes and go inward to the depths of my soul.  I extend the "hands" of my heart to receive those gifts that I have been offered to me once again.  This time I intend to open these gifts with my presence.

Living Passionately

                                                 
                                                 

"Living Passionately" ©  2011   ~ acrylic by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                          In the Spirit of Adventure

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write if he (or she) is to be at peace.  What a people can be, they must be."    Abraham Maslow

To live in a passionate way is to express deep emotion and boundless enthusiasm, according to The American Heritage Dictionary.  However, this strong, forceful feeling can be, but is not necessarily, directed toward a high ideal that appears beneficial or lofty.  But even when it's not, perhaps, in time, all acts of passion, either from positive or negative feelings, can turn out to offer good, even when there is chaos and violence. A painter can produce paintings that criticize or condemn the rulers in governmental power and reap the consequences of incarceration or worse. A writer can write about alternative lifestyles that challenge the values of a community and, as a result, be ostracized by everyone.  A number of creative people in our history have expressed truths that they feel passionate about and have incurred sadness or loss in their life as a result.

Yet that passion to express one's truth is stronger than the fear of abandonment or punishment.  Maslow was right in his thinking... people who feel passion must express it. And this is not only a select creative few that he was talking about.  Even though most people say, "I am not an artist....I am not creative at all!", they are speaking from a lie that they, with the help of our left-brain dominate culture, tell themselves.  Our culture fears creativity, because it is not easily controlled or measured.  The truth that arises from the creative process comes from a source deep within individuals....from the core of who they really are.  At that place, there is no debate...no argument.  That truth is the way it is, offering no alternatives.  It is the place of knowing, a place beyond doubts, a place where one arises from turbulent emotions to a realization of one's true place and mission in life. It is the point of certainty, where a person feels so much passion, that he (she) can only say, "yes" to it.

Living passionately is not always the easiest way to live, but it is definitely the most exciting and exhilarating.  When Helen Keller wrote, "Life is a daring adventure or nothing", she was talking about the risk one has to take to be creative in expressing one's passion. The truth demonstrated in that passion is not  necessarily valued by others at the time it is shared, but it does usually change them and, perhaps, all of society ultimately.  And it certainly changes the one who is passionate, developing some latent force within the one who creates that brings greater strength and contentment.

So, swim on, you passionate ones, through the "waters" of turbulent emotion and uncertainty, and leap from your perceived illusions of limitation to the dream within you that refuses to be quiet.  Live that adventure of who you are.... making a difference to the world....  and to you!

"Healing of the Heart"  © 2012 ~   acrylic painting by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                      
                                                           The Wisdom of Love

"You cannot be bitter or unforgiving and be a conduit of love and grace.  Heal your heart.  Allow it to give up old wounds."

In reading my "Creative Thought" magazine this morning, this quote by Carolyn Myss really spoke loudly to me.  The title of the day's reading affirmed, "I am a link in the chain of my good."  In other words, that good that is flowing into my life can be blocked from manifestation if I break the chain with my thoughts of anger, fear or sadness.  I keep thinking that when my dreams become real, I will then be happy....and all the while I hear myself affirming, "Nothing ever turns out right!" (Did I hear a "chain" breaking?!)

So looking at the way Divine Law works, I need to have thoughts and beliefs that are in harmony with the energy of the "good" that is flowing into my life.  The choices of who I spend time with, what activities that I engage in and what environment I immerse myself in are all factors that influence my inner talk.  So I make good decisions about those things, and I live "happily ever after".  It sounds simple, right?....align your thoughts to reflect the good you desire to see manifested in your life... and watch as the blessings flow in!   (Sighhhhhh)  If only I could wrestle my overactive brain to the ground and insist that it behave by having ONLY thoughts of love.

I read in Ted Andrews book, Animal Speak, that the snowy owl, pictured in my painting, symbolizes the qualities of patience and good timing.  It never overpowers or intimidates, even though it could easily do so. Its message is that true strength is always gentle and quiet, when engaging its superior ability.  The snowy owl does not proclaim its presence, but rather enters quietly and goes efficiently about its own business taking care of its needs.

In my quest to be a stronger "link in my chain of good",  I think I will invoke a little snowy owl energy to help me release my old wounds.  For I know that my heart will heal only when I give up the story that I use to define myself as a "victim".  By recounting that sad story over and over, I attract energy and circumstances that are anything but love and peace. The snowy owl teaches that one does not have to be a "drama queen" to get needs met.  Power is in knowing divine law and confidently making use of it to manifest one's desires. That quiet strength of knowing the blessings I seek are already mine is the link that ensures that flow of good into my life.   Whoooooo knows...maybe I can give up those old wounds and bring love to my longing heart.  Snowy owl says that it can happen!

"Prosperity" © 2012   ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                                Winter Harvest

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer".

I first saw this quote by Albert Camus on a poster when I was on vacation with my Mom and Dad and three kids in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee.  It was a very difficult time for me, as I was raising my three young children by myself and feeling incredibly alone, after my husband had left to pursue a relationship with another woman.  I had just completed an incredibly challenging year teaching at an inner city school, where the students not only dealt with issues of race, but also struggled with extreme poverty.  All of this had left me feeling exhausted, as if I had just climbed those mountains we had been admiring in our last few days of travel. 

So here I was looking at this poster.... feeling like I was in the most severe "winter" of my life.... and it was telling me that I had an "invincible summer" within me.  Of course, I bought the poster immediately without even looking at the price. I really needed some wisdom to remind me that there was more to me than this bone-chilling sadness I was feeling.

As the years have passed by, and I have taped up this poster in each new home of mine, I have become aware that the real blessing is not the "invincible summer........ rather it is the "winter" that has been my teacher.  The winters of my life have challenged me to find those inner resources and rise above my troubles, maturing and growing beyond my limited perception of self. Would I have grown and matured, as I have, if it were not for the opportunities to use and develop those inner resources?  Would I have even had the confidence to set aside my fears and move across the country by myself ? I think not. 

Those winters I have survived have shown me far more about who I am than any of my successes.  So the next time I am shivering in the cold with the harsh winter wind cutting me down to size, I will ask, "What have you come to teach me?"  It's in discovering the answer to that question that I will probably experience my "invincible summer".

"Expressing Life" © 2012  ~    acrylic painting by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                       

 Leaping Like a Lunatic

Ever feel like your hair is standing on end?  It does feels crazy, but it could actually be a good thing. It might mean that some major growth is happening.... some quantum leap in consciousness is taking place that will bring incredible blessings. ( I'm counting on that!!)  But is this the time to take that "great leap of faith" into the unknown?  Artist, Jan Evershed says on her calendar, "Yes!"

It's yours - take it!

Leap like a lunatic

Over the chasm below

Erupting as you go

Your true self awaits you

And you will know.

Well, I can easily "leap like a lunatic",  as that seems to be the way I am feeling lately! And the "erupting" part is a "piece of cake"!!  But trusting that my "true self awaits" me - that feels like a time I might want to reel in a little more "wild woman". 

I have read somewhere that "you can't take small steps in crossing a chasm".  So, in other words, this "great leap" can only be done in a "wild woman" way!  There can be no indecisiveness, no ambivalence, and definitely no being wishy-washy.  I guess the key word here is "TRUST".  But in what? 

 In taking that great leap to express your life mission, you have to be daring and trust something beyond your fear.... way beyond your small self that perceives danger around every corner... that is sure it won't work out...that retreats when life becomes a giant mountain to be scaled.  Maybe the plan right now is to explore and build confidence in something to trust in.  Certainly trusting in people, being human and students of life like me, is risky and often requires forgiveness. And the stuff I accumulate falls short of giving me lasting confidence.  Can I trust something that my five senses can't perceive or that can't be listed on my resume? 

 The answer is that I must, if I am going to ever be able to take that quantum leap. As the quote goes in the movie, "Shawshank Redemtion",  The way I see it is this...I need to either get busy living or get busy dying." If you don't trust anything, survival is challenging and thriving is probably nearly impossible. Maybe the "great leap of faith" is to make the decision to live and live fully. As a dedicated wild woman, I can definitely trust in that! 

"Peace Crane" © 2011~    acrylic painting by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                         Focus on Change

Gandhi said "We must be the change we wish to see."  If I want things to change for the better in my life, however, I must first see them differently.  I can't manifest a better version of "Carol Fairbanks" if I am constantly ruminating over what has happened in the past or am talking constantly about what I don't like about the present!  My focus needs to be rather on the qualities that I dream about.  For my life to BE what I would like...for instance, more like-minded friends.... I need to spend more time with those kind of people doing in activities that nurture friendships which share those values that are important to me.

Just what are those values that are important to me?  Extremes are out...definitely the word is BALANCE.  Planet Earth is in big trouble because of the major imbalances in the way we live.  All of us (me included!) certainly need to pay attention to our choices, including a healthier balance of the factors in our decision-making.  Everyone is screaming about the "economy" and seems to think that is the most important thing to consider when making a choice.  But what good is an "economy" with no healthy planet to have it on?!  We had better look at, in a big way, how decisions about getting money are affecting the environment and the health of everyone depending on it!

Another area that needs balance is in the area of human conflict.  No one "wins" if we destroy the planet with weapons of war.  It's kind of hard to enjoy a "victory" on an uninhabitable planet!  So maybe we had better develop alternatives to the traditional military solutions.  I believe we are intelligent enough to create a world that works for everyone, if we engage our wisdom instead of relying on our weapons. Polarized thinking of "them or us" has got to go!  We are all ONE people........ an integral part in the network of life on this planet!  What happens to one part, happens to all...both good and bad!

Lastly, I feel that the quality of community is sadly lacking in our world, especially in our Western culture.  Competition is the focus, rendering a few fortunate "winners" and leaving the rest feeling like "losers".  We make everything a contest to see who is the "best,  from making money to physical activity to the art making.  That approach is divisive and sabotages a unity within groups of people, as people are sometimes less than loving in attempting the "climb to the top".  Because of this, I value my Volkssport walking groups that are noncompetitive and designed for "all people of all ages and abilities".  Volkssport philosophy is a wonderful model for the whole world in creating community!  Yes, you can have fun when everyone is a winner!!

So my focus is on oneness, of all people everywhere, of all life. I see us all making choices to be prosperous, while wisely using and protecting the earth's resources and sharing the bounty equitably with all.  We are developing better ways of honoring diversity and compromising so that everyone is happy and secure. And I am part of this ideal, feeling valued for who I am and honored, as everyone is, for the gifts we all bring to this harmony of life.

Yes, it CAN happen!

The Japanese arch, known as a Torii, is a visual symbol of that transcends our concept of a finite world toward an expanded view of sacred life in all its fullness.  There is an article on the internet that says that these arches are not the same torii. Really, it doesn't matter.  It is still rather amazing that both of these torii survived these devastating disasters.  Maybe their survival is saying that "man" cannot destroy the real essence of life. We can obliterate what we build, but we can never eradicate that perfect idea of life.  That's comforting in these days of strife and challenge.  Yes, that arch is made out of a Truth that will last forever.

"Spirit Bear" © 2011    ~   acrylic mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

 Alone and Silent

                  There are times when I need to be alone and quiet, conversing with no one but my own thoughts.  It is a good thing I am this way, because it is a perfect time in which to paint and draw.  The only company I need in these solitary spaces of my life is my cats, who luxuriate around my studio as if they were on vacation.  Maybe they are!  Being in the presence of my right brain energy, while I create, moves my cats into a state of being that most yogis would be envious of.  They rest in the present moment as if that is all there is... and many agree that they are right!  Author of The Power of Now, Ekhart Tolle, was once quoted as saying, "I have known five Zen masters in my life, and they have all been cats!"  

So while my kitties purr, I paint, not knowing where my painting will take me. It's a journey of the heart and soul that moves me inward to the depths of memory lost to my conscious mind.  In my painting, the "polar bear" part of me is going within to the smallest place of my awareness, where where my consciousness expands far beyond the reaches of the Universe. 

And just what is a "polar bear" part of someone?  To the Eskimo people, polar bears embody the living spirit of the North at the top of the world.  They consider the polar bear a shaman, a liaison with the spirit world, who keeps the wisdom of the ages.  The Inuit people also looked to the polar bear for teachings on how to hunt, navigate, and survive in the Arctic.  Author, Ted Andrews says in his book, Animal Wise, "When polar bear travels into (your) life, (or painting!), a new and powerful spiritual journey is about to be undertaken with the potential to awaken (your) greatest abilities in all extremes of life."

When I paint, the logical, informational part of my brain takes a well-needed break, and my intuitive, imaginative side takes over.  Since I wasn't consciously aware of all of this information about the symbol of the polar bear, I find it curious that it seemed to appear in my painting without my previously planned intention.  Does this mean I am about to embark on a powerful spiritual journey?  Maybe, maybe not.  But I do believe, in light of all the changes that are going on in my life right now, it is worth contemplating that possibility. 

"Man of the Heart" © 2000 ~   pencil mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                             Finding Courage 

Rainbow Warrior Awaken!
Greet fresh this hopeful day.
Horizons spread before you.
Step now without delay.
Release your history's challenge,
Break free from past restraints.
A new path shines before you,
It's song the Rainbow Way.

~from "Rainbow Warrior Awaken Guidebook" by Mara Friedman and Trinity Harris

I drew a card from my Rainbow Woman Warrior deck this morning, and the words above came with the image of a woman who is stepping confidently off of a cliff into the universe with her powerful spirit bird leading the way.  Between the woman and her spirit is a shield of protection. She walks her  destined path guided by her spirit guidance while being protected by the symbol of unity and balance. The guidebook goes on to tell me that right now I am being called to TAKE THE LEAP!  And truly it feels that way now.  Walking a path, even an unknown path, is one thing.... but leaping off a cliff...hey, that might require a little more "wild woman"!

So who do I call upon for support of this courageous act?  Whatever I do, I want to do it with love.... from my recently opened heart center. As I look into the shelter of my heart, I see a young man there.  He  appears confident and strong, yet gentle and compassionate. He tells me his mission is not to overpower, but rather to empower.  Next to the light of the luminous rainbow shining through my heart shelter, I can now clearly see him.  He is my strength, my courage, my man of the heart who has appeared to help me take that leap into a new perception of self.  I feel that I can trust his presence and his word. Confidently, turning my back on the illusions of who I am, I step forward onto that beckoning cliff, as the winds of change tear at my clothes. I breathe in the reassuring words of my man of heart, sensing his unfailing presence, and leap off of the cliff of knowing into the unknown. As I am free falling, I hear his voice calling to me saying, "Trust, trust, trust!

"Heart Centered"  © 2010 ~ acrylic mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

 Returning to My Heart

 "I needed to wake me up to the wonders of my beautiful life.  To return me to my feeling, beating, living heart."  

This quote by Dana Flynn, cofounder of Laughing Lotus Yoga Center in New York City and San Francisco, went directly to my heart and awakened a need for me also to "wake up".  So the questions were stirred and brought to their feet in the dark corners of the empty shelter I call my heart.  As I turned on a light to look around in this abandoned part of my being, I saw some sadness that has been living there...some grief that has kept the windows and doors tightly shut. I took a deep breath and pushed up the windows and opened the door as wide as it would go, and a vision of a caring world filtered in filling my heart with the life it had been craving.  The vibrant colors in my empty heart shelter emanated a brightness that was too much for the grief that had been living there. "Lies, lies" he shouted as he angrily left, not looking back at the brilliance that filled the room.  Suddenly, my "feeling, beating, living" heart was beautiful.... dynamic and alive with Truth sitting where grief had been lurking.  I am glad I returned to my heart center.  It feels good to be back. It's a good place to be.

"Morning Journey" © 2012  ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

Wild and Free

The wolf is the true spirit of the free and unspoiled wilderness....the symbol of nature that is not controlled by man. In looking at our treatment and killing of wolves in the wilderness, it is clear that we don't understand the function of wolves in the scheme of living things. And we are afraid of what we cannot control. Dayton Duncan, author and editor of the National Park series, says that the ancestors of the wild and free wolves of today are those of the pack who refused to come into the campfire circle and join mankind.  Those of the pack that did come into the campfire became man's most loyal companions, and they are the ancestors of today's dogs. Dayton says, "We have never forgiven the pack who refused to come into the campfire and yield to man's control."

Like the wolves, humans once roamed wild and free living in accordance with the laws of nature.  We lived and died, respecting the elements and existing in harmony with the seasons.  But today, we see wild nature as somehow supernatural, something beyond our physical ways of perceiving and relating to life.  Author, John Biofield in his book, I Ching: the Book of Change, writes, "Intuition is no more a supernatural gift than the powers of walking, running and jumping; but, like them, its full development requires regular exercise."

So as the Wild Woman Walker, I am now flexing my "wild nature"!  I painted this caring watercolor portrait of wolves to show that, like them, I, too, am strengthening the "muscles" of my intuition.  To do that I must be free, untethered by the expectations that society puts upon me....moving through my life experience in harmony with the natural laws, as an integral part of all life on earth.  I look to those laws of nature, both as manifested in the natural world and as expressed within my own intuition, and see a wisdom beyond my analytical, judgmental mind. I walk through the woods and feel the truth of all things beyond time and finite words. And as I paint and draw what I experience, my images reflect back to me a truth that I know.  The part of me that knows who I AM is finally free to live her dream, as a wild and free woman. 

"Wholeness" © 1999 ~  pencil mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                       Remembering My Wholeness

"The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

The only way I know to "have new eyes" is to redirect my them toward my heart...to move my focus away from what everyone else is doing and center them instead on my soul's journey.  I have found two effective ways for me to do this - one is to hike in nature by some inspiring vista, and the other is to create visual imagery from my heart center. The above pencil drawing was done when I went through a particularly challenging illness about 13 years ago. I had sought out this art process when I needed a renewed concept of "wholeness" not only in my body, but also in my mind.  

In doing a mandala workshop with the late Judith Cornell in Chicago, this image above  "danced" from my pencils.  It said, "You are whole, complete and well. You are beautiful. You are okay!"  My fears were calmed and my vision was cleared. A new landscape gradually appeared before my eyes, and my life was forever changed.  This image gave me a glimpse of what my life could be like if I lived those positive affirmations reflected in my drawing.

In the past 13 years, I recovered my health, got certified as a yoga instructor, completed Mandala teacher training, moved to Oregon and have had the adventure of a lifetime!  When I finally saw a landscape of unlimited possibility for my life, the opportunities began to appear. 

So why contemplate all this now?  Because right now, I want to have "new eyes" about what is going on with my life. I am now assessing my choices and creating a new landscape once again.  Getting involved with Facebook has helped me to learn new skills and to better connect with others, but it has placed my eyes and too much attention on what others are doing and saying. An imbalance in the direction of my attention can result in a of loss of energy and personal power. Rather than using my power to create my life's dreams, I was instead focusing on using my power to control.  And that, my friends, brings incredible unhappiness.  

So my "voyage" now is inward with this blog, with no expectations....with my eyes on my what I want to manifest....walking my journey....in my way.  I wonder what new wonderful things I will discover.....what new landscapes yet await me on this adventure of mine.

"A Walk in the Desert"© 2010  ~  by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                           

                                                    The First Step of My Journey

I am officially beginning this blog...alone and in the desert of my journey... and coping with my inner child that feels abandoned. But nevertheless, this is a blog of acceptance and celebration of my life...with no regrets....no wishing things were different.  I come from a place of self empowerment.  I am grateful for everything that is in my life right now....even the challenging thoughts that keep me moving forward.  And so I walk...and walk a lot!  Why?  Because when my feet hit the ground enough, I feel connected and safe.  When I walk, I am in the present moment...no anguish over the past...no embarrassment over my bad decisions.....no shame about who I am.  There is only me and the mountains and the sky and the trees.  That connection reminds me of who I really am... a spiritual being having a human experience.  Right now, I have no great plans for accomplishments (kind of out of character for me!)  except to walk as many natural trails in the Northwest as I can.  So, there is no looking back.  There is only the trail that brings me home to myself.  And I have taken the first step!