"A Pause to Reflect" © 2012  ~ watercolor by Carol E Fairbanks

"Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom."

                                                                               ~ Phyllis Theroux

                        Crossing the Bridge to Understanding

"Summer Reflection" ©1973 ~ ink by Carol E Fairbanks

 It was the summer of 1973, and I was taking  art classes at the Art Academy of Cincinnati.  Playing at art was a departure from my usual job as an elementary teacher, and I was feeling really excited knowing that my only responsibility was to observe and draw what I saw.  Just being in Mt. Adams made me feel younger and more alive, and reconnected me with the hope I had felt when I was much younger.  As I was graduating from high school in 1960, my boyfriend and I came to Mt. Adams often, and I dreamed of getting an apartment and living in this very "cool" part of town.  To me it represented a chance to fulfill all my dreams for an exciting future as an adult.

But that did not happen.  After graduating from college, I married, had three children and, sadly, divorced before any of them were in school.  At the time of this ink drawing in Mt. Adams, I was alone raising my three children and teaching in a school district, which was beset by problems of racial tension caused by a state mandated merger of two school districts.  So, in the summer of 1973, I left all of that unhappiness and stress behind me and came back to Mt. Adams and to my the dream of how I imagined myself there.  Okay, it was just four mornings a week for the summer, but while I was here drawing, I was an artist in Mt. Adams, and that was very cool!  Drawing, while sitting on this hill by the Art Academy of Cincinnati overlooking these quaint townhomes, I felt happy again.  I wasn't exactly living my dream, but at least I could feel it for a few hours.

So here it is, forty years after I made this ink drawing, and I am once again exploring options in my life to manifest that elusive dream of happiness.  Now, I no longer believe that living in Mt. Adams will do it, and in fact, I am not looking at "where" to live, but rather "how" to live.  I have learned enough throughout my life to know that I will never find happiness by changing things on the outside, because the true source of feeling "cool" begins within... in my mind and in my heart.  As I have moved through those life experiences, some of them sad and frightening, I have turned that chaos into learnings about how life really works.  And those lessons have brought me awarenesses that have awakened wisdom in me, that I am using forty years later to move into another life phase.  

In "crossing" this present "bridge" of challenge and change in my life, I pause on the "bridge" to reflect on how I will make better choices this time.  I look at the images in my paintings, and I am reminded of the ways in which I have grown in my perception of a "self" that goes beyond my fear.  With courage, I have risen out of the ashes again and again.  Each time, I that have followed a new path, after the chaos of loss, illness or abandonment, I was once again renewed. As I have reinvented my life over and over,  I have discovered some truths that have expanded my vision of myself in this world.  With that growing wisdom, my art images are now "talking" to me of a timelessness and latent power yet to be recognized within.  As I take a "walk" through the years, while viewing my art imagery, I get a greater sense of the direction of my destiny.  So I pause and reflect on this present "bridge" and wonder, in this experience of release and letting go, what new adventure I am creating space for.  In anticipation, I move forward across this "bridge" toward greater understanding...and, perhaps, to that happiness!

Centennial Bridge in Cottage Grove   Spring, 2013