The Wild Woman Walker: January 2015

Friday, January 23, 2015

Seeing Stars in the Darkness

" I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

Galileo

Change seems to be happening as rapidly as the continual updates that keep popping up on my computer screen. In a world where speed is recognized and, even lauded at competitions, to be quiet and slow down almost seems unnatural. Yet coping effectively within these rapid changes in our lives requires that we cease all frantic activity and quietly go within to listen to a source of wisdom that sees beyond the frenzy. And of course, change seldom calls on us in the "bright of day", when we can see more clearly, ...no, it rather seizes us with its challenge during the "darkness of the night".

In an inspiring book, Learning to Walk in the Dark, the author, Barbara Brown Taylor, explores our common perception of "darkness" as it inevitably happens in our lives. She says we are programmed to perceive "darkness", whether actual or emotional, as something to be avoided, and view it often as something to be feared or a sign of failure. Instead of seeing the beauty and maybe, the opportunity in darkness, we often perceive it as a possible threat to our survival and imagine all kinds of fearful outcomes. In reading Taylor's book, I became more aware of how much I have learned from those "dark" experiences in my life. And amazingly I seem to have always emerged from those challenging times much stronger and wiser. Those harrowing times of my life have brought forth attitudes and abilities I never knew I had within me.

After "surviving" a number of those fearful times, I have often laughingly repeated the quote, "What doesn't kill me will strengthen me." Sure, I have been in situations that have been serious and possibly very harmful, but it was my thoughts about the threatening situation that actually caused me the most suffering. The "darkness" in my life has always led me into the "cavern" of my hidden beliefs and that challenges me much more than any external enemy ever could. It is there in that dark "cave" within my mind, where I have had the opportunity look up and see the "light of the stars" that are shining there. Those "stars in the darkness" are like openings to new ways of thinking.... to attitude changes that encourage me to imagine healthier ways of relating to myself and others in my life. Here in this ominous, dark landscape I often see a "path" to actualizing a long held dream. In the "darkness", I am guided to explore deeper .... to go beyond the surface of things.... to a truth, like the stars, that cannot be seen in the intense light of the day.

"Destiny Unfolding" colored pencil by Carol E Fairbanks © 1999

So in the midst of "darkness", offering the change it asks of me, I am learning to open to the gifts of that shadow experience... to the transformation it challenges within me..... to the opportunity it beckons me to. Author, Eckhart Tolle, has written, "Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge." Rather than choosing to give image and form to my fears, I can resolve to see the "light of the stars" that are gently illuminating my nighttime landscape.

Yet in the "darkness", I often feel alone and abandoned, and, even though that is a only perception I hold in my mind, those thoughts can still sabotage my journey of the soul and keep me from opening to a landscape of opportunity and rebirth. So trust in the support and guidance available to me is what is necessary for my pilgrimage through that "darkness"..... and with that supportive trust, I do not have to wait until I am more enlightened before I courageously step into this transformative landscape. This poem beautifully states that process of trusting a truth before I can see it.

The real miracle of individuation and reclamation

Of the Wild Woman

Is that we all begin the process

Before we are ready,

Before we are strong enough,

Before we know enough;

We begin with a dialog with thoughts and feelings

That both tickle and thunder within us.

We respond

Before we know how to speak the language

Before we know all the answers

And before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Creating these art images in an intuitive way has given me a way of trusting without knowing all the answers.... or even some of them! In each of my art pieces illustrated here, I have modeled the path through the "darkness" that I have been writing about in this blog. With pencil or paintbrush in hand, I have faced the "unknown" on a blank paper or canvas, not having any idea of what I was going to create. After centering and relaxing, I started "moving" across that surface of "barren landscape", while letting go of expectations and opening to the images that would "appear". And all the while, I trusted that what would appear on my paper or canvas would be there to guide, support and illumine me.

"Destiny Unfolding" was drawn while I was healing from a life threatening illness and fear was my constant companion. "The Gift" was drawn when I was embarking on a new career as a yoga teacher and self doubt was trying to get my attention. And the "Opportunity of Darkness" was drawn as I was contemplating a second major move across the United States in a year. That drawing revealed images that suggested the Northwest, and I created it even before I was offered the opportunity to move to Oregon!

"Dancing in the Dark" was painted during the loss of my job at Michaels Arts and Crafts as a teacher and decorative artist, and as I was searching for a new focus for my creativity. My painting suggested that I lighten up and "dance" through that change! At present, as I am contemplating changes and new direction in my life, the "suggestion" of "dancing in the dark" sounds like a good one!

"The Wild Woman Walker dances on!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Woman Emerging ~

As I am preparing to make a physical move to a new home, many things are also “moving” within me. They have been for a long time. Some of it is exciting and welcome while other things (especially the letting-go type things!) are more challenging. Yet my art has always been a “compass” to guide and inspire the direction of my journey. The call of becoming that “butterfly” has always beckoned me, as I struggle to stay within my “cocoon” of illusionary safety. But, as my creative images “paint” an emergence not to be argued with, I reluctantly let go of the comfortable familiar in order to emerge into a state of being that is being born regardless of what "i" do.

I painted this intuitive painting (above) in my home studio in the summer of 1998, before a health crisis, …..before my move to Colorado ….and certainly before I had any idea of the massive changes that were about to take place – both in my mind, as well as in my life.

It was just a year earlier when I created this painting (above), “Touch Drawing” style, where I moved my hands and fingers over a painted paper turned upside down. When I turned the paper over, the images I “accidentally” created spoke to me of turning and looking at things in an entirely new way. I had just retired from my teaching position and felt like I was in free fall.

When I moved to Colorado, I thought that it would be a great adventure, and it was…just not the way I thought it would be. Every deeply held belief that needed healing rose up to challenge me. It was the “dark night of the soul”, and I “danced” through those “flames” that burned away the lies I told myself. This acrylic painting (above), done in 2003, shows this transformation in a way that looks like more fun than it actually was!

My pencil drawing on magenta paper, done in Oregon, as an assignment for an art class in 2004, was inspired by pieces of sculpture on display in the art room. They weren’t real… only suggestions of reality. That was the way I viewed things in my life. I was being called to look beyond the facade of life to a greater truth about who I really was.

And so, I chose to go on this spirit journey of my heart and soul… and take my inner child, who was never really cared for, along with me. I painted this acrylic painting in 2010 (above) when I was exploring some of my most deeply held beliefs about how “life should be”.

And, of course, this journey involved exploring some turbulent emotions and ultimately making some dramatic changes in how I felt about my life experiences. I would “ride” these currents of strong feeling with a sense of wonder and play … as shown in this painting done in 2010. (above.)

One does not do such a journey without some “hair-raising” events … and I have had some! I painted this painting, "Expressing Life", in 2012 with my sense of humor still intact. It’s interesting that the colors suggest a party about to happen!

As I evolved through these challenging times, I found that forgiveness was the key. I learned to let go of resentments and transform my hurt into lessons of wisdom and growth. This crayon drawing (above), done in 2012, illustrates that process of receiving a greater understanding of that process we call life. As I received wisdom from the past, I opened to a brighter and more promising future, and all that hurt was transformed into a thing of beauty and wonder.

And during the autumn of my life, when colorful leaves are losing their vibrancy and falling from the trees, I emerge into a sense of who I am beyond everything that I thought defined me. Painted in 2013, I was exploring life totally on my own… not looking at myself through a career, relationships or any achievement. It was just me… alone, yet part of everything and everyone.

Painted in 2014, "Destiny Within" was inspired by the connection I was experiencing while on my hikes in the scenic northwest. The beauty I saw in nature, was also within me…. and I felt it intimately while trekking through some fantastic natural wonders. It seemed somehow new to me…. but maybe, it has always been there. It’s just that my vision is much clearer now…. even in the moonlight.

Today, I know the path I open to is one of love…. for myself, for my journey and for all whom I “travel” with. If I am in that energy of compassion and joy, those “bumps in the road” will seem less hair-raising and more adventurous. Like the butterfly, I can finally show all my “colors” to the world.

..... the Wild Woman Walker walks on!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

In Full Bloom~

As I embrace my destiny for the coming year, I allow the images from my creative center to bring forth an intention the will guide and inspire me.

I am creating my dream

In an infinite flow of plenty.

With an open heart,

I am expressing the joy

of my adventure.

Feeling fulfilled,

I choose to be happy......

As I honor my journey...

of both gifts and challenge.

~ Carol E Fairbanks, W.W.W.

I know that for something new to birth in my life, a clearing has to be made for that new manifestation. That process can seem at times more like a devastating ending, rather than a new and exciting beginning. As 2015 rolled around, my retired teacher's pension went down and just about all my other bills went up. My computer crashed, my DVD player quit working and an angry, impatient woman plowed into the rear of my car as I was making a right turn. All this is happening as I am preparing my condo for sale and perhaps moving from Eugene, and maybe even Oregon! There is a definite clearing process going on, and I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed and looking forward to a new chapter in my life. With those ambivalent emotions, I am often wondering if I have the courage to make those new changes. I have always heard that "change is the only constant" and that "only that which "cannot be lost in a shipwreck" is one's to keep, but still I long for that feeling of rootedness that seems to elude me. So in the midst of this transition, I paint the "truth" that has not yet been revealed to me, and trust the flow of my journey. I might just create my dream of a home in nature, with a garden and art studio. It could happen....