A Walk with my Child

"The Child of Me" © 2014  ~ photo by Carol E Fairbanks

"We do not find our own center - it finds us.  We do not think ourselves into new ways of living. We live ourselves into new ways of thinking"

                                                                                                     Richard Rohr

"Childhood Mandala" © 1996 ~ crayon - Carol E Fairbanks

 When thinking of what makes up a childhood, you would naturally think of toys and playtime and fun discoveries.  And that is just the way it should be - only sometimes it's not.  Yes, in my childhood there were dolls, and a red wagon and the fun of Christmas, but there was also a lot of fear, and anger  and sadness that no one ever talked about....not even me.  Lying about the dysfunction in our home became a way of life for all of us.  And, in my family, through the years of denying that pain that was in everyone's heart, I eventually began to believe that things that felt wrong, were really "normal".  

It wasn't until I was almost 40 when a friend took me to an Adult Child of an Alcoholic meeting, that I finally broke through that self erected wall of denial.  At the ACA meeting, I listened to everyone's "story", which included not only the experience of the alcoholic in their family, but also their courageous account of personal recovery from that family dysfunction. Toward the end of the ACA meeting, I suddenly realized that I was personally relating to many of the things that they were talking about.  The awareness that my father was an alcoholic surfaced at that time so clearly that is was incredible to me that I had not been consciously aware of it for so many years.  Even more unbelievable to me, with this painful insight, was that no one in my family or family relations ever talked about my dad's drinking problem. That silence, that had shut down a large part of my emotional life, was "strangling" me, and I didn't even know it.

"Surfacing Pain"  © 1996 ~ crayon by Carol E Fairbanks

With my usual way of dealing with my family's dysfunction,  I stuffed that painful awareness into that familiar place of silence.  I thought that the "past" was better left in the past.  But healing wants to happen, whether we try to block it or not.  In spite of my efforts to suppress this important awareness,  my subconscious mind had a different agenda.  I began having disturbing dreams about children who were abused by their father.  After having one especially emotional dream, I came to my art therapy class and, with my crayons, drew images that reflected the essence of that dream.  The childhood pain that had been jarred awake by my new awareness of my father's alcoholism would not stay silent.  In my dream, as I had learned about the  abuse of a young child, I grabbed my sides, and screamed, as I bent over crying.   The tears came to me as if there were no bottom to the sadness that I felt.   However, the evergreen tree, being a symbol of life in my drawing, reassured me that the process of remembering and releasing those disturbing memories was the necessary path to wholeness.

"The Vortex of Feeling" © 1996 ~ Carol E Fairbanks 

Once that flow of awareness started happening in my waking conscious mind, there was no stopping it.  As long as I was alive and functional, the healing would continue.... and that meant uncovering and healing more memories.  My mother had passed on, and my brother had moved across the country without further contact with us.  Unfortunately, my sister was not open to acknowledging this family drama with me or anyone and looked upon counseling therapy as something invasive and unnecessary.  A drawing that I did in my art therapy class illustrated how I felt about the challenge of my solitary venture of healing.

" Leaving the Lies"  © 1996~ Carol E Fairbanks

In a later drawing, that I created in art therapy class, the screaming figure was emerging out of that vortex of turbulent emotion. It looked very hopeful to me that she was moving toward the future, leaving the spiraling energy behind in the past. While in the previous drawing, the young girl was almost swallowed up by the swirling energy, in the more recent drawing, the girl was beginning to separate herself and leave that dramatic  movement.

"Healing Dance" © 1996 ~ Carol E Fairbanks

 Toward the end of the art therapy class series, I had an interesting dream that seemed to indicate the direction of my inner healing.  In that dream, I was living in my childhood home. When I heard someone ring the doorbell, I answered the door, and a person who was taking census greeted me. Upon recognizing me, she began to tell me that she knew my father and showed me some leaves that he had created.  The census taker extolled the quality and value of these leaves, as she gave them to me.

Later in class, I drew this pastel drawing of soft and beautiful colors.  The figure looks peaceful and centered, amidst the colorful leaves that seem to embrace her. This drawing feels very nurturing to me, and is as graceful as a ballet dance. Might I have drawn the "leaves of my father" from my dream, that indicated some healing and forgiveness?



I believe the healing of childhood pain is possible....
at any point in your life....and it leads us to

forgiveness, both of ourselves and others.  Helen Keller once said, "Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."  I believe that to be true, and, because of the courageous work that I have done, that  sweet child within my psyche can now open her heart to love and to be loved. And she can begin to see her world through the eyes of a wholesome love, rather than through the trauma of hurt and pain. She can feel the joy of "Christmas" the way a child is meant to experience it.  She can play with her toys in a self assured way . She can confidently explore and make new discoveries, confirming the goodness of her life. And I, taking her small hand in mine, can do all of those things with her.