The Wild Woman Walker

Dressed for Dancing at the Touch Drawing Gathering ~ 1998 (I am in the center.)

MASKS

She had blue skin,

And so did he.

He kept it hid,

And so did she.

They searched for blue

Their whole life through.

Then passed right by --

And never knew.

Shel Silverstein

The Reality of Masks

I was having a great time at the Touch Drawing Gathering that fantastic summer of 1998. I had retired from a stressful teaching job and was finally living my life as I had always wanted. From my Crescent Moon Center for Creative Arts , I was successfully teaching transpersonal art classes, that were as much fun as they were insightful. The smile on my face felt authentic, but that was only because I "masked" the pain and hurt I experienced in my life journey with lots of busy-ness. Even though things looked great on the outside, the deep sadness of my inner self remained hidden from my conscious mind.

"Hidden Self" - 1998 ~ by Carol E Fairbanks

When I quieted into the Touch Drawing ® process, that was facilitated by its creator, Deborah Koff Chapin, and began to bring forth images from that world hidden from me, a different, unknown self began to surface. It was a self that was clouded by a darkness that shielded from me the truth of the pain I held tightly within. The touch drawings, which were done quickly, with more feeling than thought, started revealing that pain, as it was released from my hurt child within.

"Tears Tell All" - 1998 by Carol E Fairbanks

The process of creating those images through Touch Drawing ®, brought forth memories of my past that I had previously chosen to "forget". But during the creative process, when the judgmental ego self is asked to step out of the way, the truth that surfaces in order to be healed can no longer be censored. I had harbored so much anger and resentment for so long, that my body and mind could no longer contain it. My body, which is imbued with a divine plan at its core, began taking that unresolved pain and covering it, like a clam who secretes a protective fluid around an irritant and forms a pearl.

The painful experience of a life threatening illness, that happened the beginning of 1999, brought with it not only fear and suffering, but also presented the gift of an opportunity for growth. The challenging gift was really a "pearl" that my body offered to me so that I could finally let go of all the darkness and sadness within. Of course, it has taken me years and many soulful images to begin to understand the healing process that I have gone through. And the journey continues today, as I keep uncovering the unknown parts of myself. I believe that healing process is, for me, the most important reason to maintain my commitment to my art making.

But it is not all sadness that masks are hiding. Sometimes that real truth happening in our present life is far better than our minds can imagine at the time. A current life challenge can, at times, invoke within me a very negative view of myself and my life, and under that surface of grief and stress, there could be another part of me that is celebrating. So in removing a mask, I might find a new perspective that reveals some positive growth and a cause for celebration. What feels real bad, could be in fact something very beneficial for me.

"Celebration" 1994 ~ mask by Carol E Fairbanks

In the winter of 1994, I knew my marriage to Michael was not going to work out. It was not a matter if I loved him or not, it was rather his addiction to alcohol that contributed mostly to the decline of our relationship. During our most stressful time together, I had gone to a shaman workshop where we were introduced to mask making. While there, I was feeling like my world was coming to an end, and I felt the mask I would probably create would reflect the incredible sorrow that I was feeling. As I delved into painting and decorating the plaster cast mask, that was an impression of my face, I lapsed into some childlike creative play and fun. Without thinking about it, I chose colors and feathers and ribbons that looked more like a "party about to happen"!

I guess I knew in my broken heart, when looking at my newly created mask, that ending our marriage was best for both of us. It didn't make the process of leaving any easier or less painful, but at least, I could trust that beyond my pain, there was a better future.

"Blue Goddess" 1996 ~ by Carol E Fairbanks

Several years later in my Crescent Moon Studio, some friends and I created our masks together. I never imagined, before I started, just how different this new mask would be this time. After everyone left my studio, I sat at the art table looking at the white plaster cast impression of my face. Suddenly, I was inspired to paint and decorate and paint some more. I felt driven, as I worked on completing my mask all through the night. I don't remember ever choosing the color blue as a predominate color before in my art. Yet her face was the deep blue of a starry night....the cosmos....the infinity of space. From her neck hung the Egyptian symbol of life. Upon her head was a golden crown with jewels of the colors of the rainbow. Tibetan bells decorated her snow white hair, indicating that she was wise beyond the limits of time. She was truly an image of a wiser part of me that I was only beginning to find out about.

Masks, rather than covering up who we are, are images that actually reveal more of our true selves. Whenever we try to hide behind a mask, that mask we choose usually winds up showing aspects of our true self even more. The colors and symbols and trinkets we innocently choose illustrate our inner truth, that can give us a greater awareness of our true selves. Thomas Merton in his book, New Seeds of Contemplation, wrote, "For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore, the problem of sanctity and salvation is, in fact, the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self." So when you try to hide behind a mask, it only shouts louder about who you really are. Thats the reality of masks....a better view of the true you.