The Wild Woman Walker: February 2014

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

A Walk with my Child

"We do not find our own center - it finds us. We do not think ourselves into new ways of living. We live ourselves into new ways of thinking"

Richard Rohr

When thinking of what makes up a childhood, you would naturally think of toys and playtime and fun discoveries. And that is just the way it should be - only sometimes it's not. Yes, in my childhood there were dolls, and a red wagon and the fun of Christmas, but there was also a lot of fear, and anger and sadness that no one ever talked about....not even me. Lying about the dysfunction in our home became a way of life for all of us. And, in my family, through the years of denying that pain that was in everyone's heart, I eventually began to believe that things that felt wrong, were really "normal".

It wasn't until I was almost 40 when a friend took me to an Adult Child of an Alcoholic meeting, that I finally broke through that self erected wall of denial. At the ACA meeting, I listened to everyone's "story", which included not only the experience of the alcoholic in their family, but also their courageous account of personal recovery from that family dysfunction. Toward the end of the ACA meeting, I suddenly realized that I was personally relating to many of the things that they were talking about. The awareness that my father was an alcoholic surfaced at that time so clearly that is was incredible to me that I had not been consciously aware of it for so many years. Even more unbelievable to me, with this painful insight, was that no one in my family or family relations ever talked about my dad's drinking problem. That silence, that had shut down a large part of my emotional life, was "strangling" me, and I didn't even know it.

With my usual way of dealing with my family's dysfunction, I stuffed that painful awareness into that familiar place of silence. I thought that the "past" was better left in the past. But healing wants to happen, whether we try to block it or not. In spite of my efforts to suppress this important awareness, my subconscious mind had a different agenda. I began having disturbing dreams about children who were abused by their father. After having one especially emotional dream, I came to my art therapy class and, with my crayons, drew images that reflected the essence of that dream. The childhood pain that had been jarred awake by my new awareness of my father's alcoholism would not stay silent. In my dream, as I had learned about the abuse of a young child, I grabbed my sides, and screamed, as I bent over crying. The tears came to me as if there were no bottom to the sadness that I felt. However, the evergreen tree, being a symbol of life in my drawing, reassured me that the process of remembering and releasing those disturbing memories was the necessary path to wholeness.

Once that flow of awareness started happening in my waking conscious mind, there was no stopping it. As long as I was alive and functional, the healing would continue.... and that meant uncovering and healing more memories. My mother had passed on, and my brother had moved across the country without further contact with us. Unfortunately, my sister was not open to acknowledging this family drama with me or anyone and looked upon counseling therapy as something invasive and unnecessary. A drawing that I did in my art therapy class illustrated how I felt about the challenge of my solitary venture of healing.

In a later drawing, that I created in art therapy class, the screaming figure was emerging out of that vortex of turbulent emotion. It looked very hopeful to me that she was moving toward the future, leaving the spiraling energy behind in the past. While in the previous drawing, the young girl was almost swallowed up by the swirling energy, in the more recent drawing, the girl was beginning to separate herself and leave that dramatic movement.

Toward the end of the art therapy class series, I had an interesting dream that seemed to indicate the direction of my inner healing. In that dream, I was living in my childhood home. When I heard someone ring the doorbell, I answered the door, and a person who was taking census greeted me. Upon recognizing me, she began to tell me that she knew my father and showed me some leaves that he had created. The census taker extolled the quality and value of these leaves, as she gave them to me.

Later in class, I drew this pastel drawing of soft and beautiful colors. The figure looks peaceful and centered, amidst the colorful leaves that seem to embrace her. This drawing feels very nurturing to me, and is as graceful as a ballet dance. Might I have drawn the "leaves of my father" from my dream, that indicated some healing and forgiveness?

I believe the healing of childhood pain is possible....
at any point in your life....and it leads us to

forgiveness, both of ourselves and others. Helen Keller once said, "Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it." I believe that to be true, and, because of the courageous work that I have done, that sweet child within my psyche can now open her heart to love and to be loved. And she can begin to see her world through the eyes of a wholesome love, rather than through the trauma of hurt and pain. She can feel the joy of "Christmas" the way a child is meant to experience it. She can play with her toys in a self assured way . She can confidently explore and make new discoveries, confirming the goodness of her life. And I, taking her small hand in mine, can do all of those things with her.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

~ The Way of the Heart ~

"My heart is afraid it will have to suffer", the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky. "Tell your heart that fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams."

~ Paul Coehlo, The Alchemist

It was the autumn season of letting go, and I had just left my teaching job of almost thirty years. Feeling as bare as the fall trees stripped of their foliage, I struggled to find a new direction for my life. At a Touch Drawing ® class taught by a local teacher, I found that even doing that open ended art technique was requiring from me a great effort. The wonderful thing about Touch Drawing ® is that you can warm up to the process by going inward, getting quiet and then doing a series of quick drawings. In drawing with your fingertips on one side of the paper, images are formed from impressions in oil paint onto the other side. That centering process encourages the inner critic within to quiet down. As I began to relax into this creative activity, my mind slowly let go of its fearful thoughts, and my focus became the tactile sensation of my fingertips moving across the paper. After completing a number of drawings, I decided my next one would be totally abstract. Releasing any need to create an image that made "sense", I "danced" out my next touch drawing onto the paper. When I felt finished, I slowly pulled the paper from my painting board and turned it over. What I had intended to be an abstract image turned out to be a dancing woman. The most amazing thing to me was that the last thing I felt like doing was "dancing for joy", as my image was clearly doing! Another member of the group, during our sharing period, noticed that, in the upper right hand corner of my drawing, there was another woman, who was turning in the opposite direction. The main figure in the foreground was looking back at the past, (represented on the left in a mandala), while the dancing woman in the background was looking toward the future. ( on the right in a mandala) In contemplating this Touch Drawing ® image, I realized that my inner guidance was asking me to take my eyes off the pain of my past and focus instead on creating that new promising future.

So my new path...the way of my heart... was beckoning me through my art images, as well as through the signs of nature. During the next five years of challenge and healing, I continued to search in Ohio for the "way of my heart" through teaching yoga and transpersonal art classes. Finally, after making a serious commitment to taking greater risks in my heart journey, I moved to Colorado in 2002. There, without all the familiar things distracting me from my intuitive guidance, both Mother Earth and my creative guides began to "speak" loud and clear to me. On the trails that I hiked in Colorado, I found many "heart rocks" that "spoke" to me of being loved and supported by the Universe. The crayon journals I kept that year in Colorado continued to inspire me past my fears of limitation and scarcity. The "wise owl" part of me was challenging...maybe even daring me... to get on a new destined path of mine. I had gone to great expense to move to Colorado, and the thought of moving further on, even with a sunny promise in the future, really scared me.

So I hiked and drew and meditated with the challenge of possibly moving yet another time. In spending most of my life chasing after answers from so called "experts" outside of myself, I decided to use my Colorado experience for guidance with authenticity. In my drawing of "Inner Guidance", I noted the appearance of an evergreen tree. That was the first of many images that I received in my art that seemed to be symbolic of the northwest area of our country. If you want to experience lots of trees, Oregon is definitely your place! It was a long process that took place in a very short amount of time. The images, promptings of nature and serendipity happenings all worked together to have me on my way to Oregon within a year.

Both in traveling to Oregon and after I got there, I kept thinking I had made a "horrible" mistake in leaving my beautiful home in Colorado. When I arrived with my daughter, Annie, and two very worn out kitties, after traveling 24 hours straight in my little red car, I discovered I had agreed to live in a very run down place that was attached to a moldy barn. If I were following this "journey of the heart" that I had been guided to, why then was I winding up here? In addition to my questionable living space, the program training with the Waldorf School, that I had been accepted into, turned out to be an experience that did not fit for me. I had been away from teaching children for too long, and teaching adults was nearer to my heart at this time.

I got busy fixing up my sorely neglected living space, that I affectionately called "the hovel" and after a while it didn't seem too bad. I could watch the activity of water birds on the Coast Fork of the Willamette River from my side window. Hummingbirds swarmed the flowering bushes outside in the yard, driving my kitties crazy with wanting to get at them. And during the next nine months of living in "the hovel", I gestated alone, while staying in the flow of my heart journey... patiently waiting and watching for the next path to take.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Dressed for Dancing at the Touch Drawing Gathering ~ 1998 (I am in the center.)

MASKS

She had blue skin,

And so did he.

He kept it hid,

And so did she.

They searched for blue

Their whole life through.

Then passed right by --

And never knew.

Shel Silverstein

The Reality of Masks

I was having a great time at the Touch Drawing Gathering that fantastic summer of 1998. I had retired from a stressful teaching job and was finally living my life as I had always wanted. From my Crescent Moon Center for Creative Arts , I was successfully teaching transpersonal art classes, that were as much fun as they were insightful. The smile on my face felt authentic, but that was only because I "masked" the pain and hurt I experienced in my life journey with lots of busy-ness. Even though things looked great on the outside, the deep sadness of my inner self remained hidden from my conscious mind.

"Hidden Self" - 1998 ~ by Carol E Fairbanks

When I quieted into the Touch Drawing ® process, that was facilitated by its creator, Deborah Koff Chapin, and began to bring forth images from that world hidden from me, a different, unknown self began to surface. It was a self that was clouded by a darkness that shielded from me the truth of the pain I held tightly within. The touch drawings, which were done quickly, with more feeling than thought, started revealing that pain, as it was released from my hurt child within.

"Tears Tell All" - 1998 by Carol E Fairbanks

The process of creating those images through Touch Drawing ®, brought forth memories of my past that I had previously chosen to "forget". But during the creative process, when the judgmental ego self is asked to step out of the way, the truth that surfaces in order to be healed can no longer be censored. I had harbored so much anger and resentment for so long, that my body and mind could no longer contain it. My body, which is imbued with a divine plan at its core, began taking that unresolved pain and covering it, like a clam who secretes a protective fluid around an irritant and forms a pearl.

The painful experience of a life threatening illness, that happened the beginning of 1999, brought with it not only fear and suffering, but also presented the gift of an opportunity for growth. The challenging gift was really a "pearl" that my body offered to me so that I could finally let go of all the darkness and sadness within. Of course, it has taken me years and many soulful images to begin to understand the healing process that I have gone through. And the journey continues today, as I keep uncovering the unknown parts of myself. I believe that healing process is, for me, the most important reason to maintain my commitment to my art making.

But it is not all sadness that masks are hiding. Sometimes that real truth happening in our present life is far better than our minds can imagine at the time. A current life challenge can, at times, invoke within me a very negative view of myself and my life, and under that surface of grief and stress, there could be another part of me that is celebrating. So in removing a mask, I might find a new perspective that reveals some positive growth and a cause for celebration. What feels real bad, could be in fact something very beneficial for me.

"Celebration" 1994 ~ mask by Carol E Fairbanks

In the winter of 1994, I knew my marriage to Michael was not going to work out. It was not a matter if I loved him or not, it was rather his addiction to alcohol that contributed mostly to the decline of our relationship. During our most stressful time together, I had gone to a shaman workshop where we were introduced to mask making. While there, I was feeling like my world was coming to an end, and I felt the mask I would probably create would reflect the incredible sorrow that I was feeling. As I delved into painting and decorating the plaster cast mask, that was an impression of my face, I lapsed into some childlike creative play and fun. Without thinking about it, I chose colors and feathers and ribbons that looked more like a "party about to happen"!

I guess I knew in my broken heart, when looking at my newly created mask, that ending our marriage was best for both of us. It didn't make the process of leaving any easier or less painful, but at least, I could trust that beyond my pain, there was a better future.

"Blue Goddess" 1996 ~ by Carol E Fairbanks

Several years later in my Crescent Moon Studio, some friends and I created our masks together. I never imagined, before I started, just how different this new mask would be this time. After everyone left my studio, I sat at the art table looking at the white plaster cast impression of my face. Suddenly, I was inspired to paint and decorate and paint some more. I felt driven, as I worked on completing my mask all through the night. I don't remember ever choosing the color blue as a predominate color before in my art. Yet her face was the deep blue of a starry night....the cosmos....the infinity of space. From her neck hung the Egyptian symbol of life. Upon her head was a golden crown with jewels of the colors of the rainbow. Tibetan bells decorated her snow white hair, indicating that she was wise beyond the limits of time. She was truly an image of a wiser part of me that I was only beginning to find out about.

Masks, rather than covering up who we are, are images that actually reveal more of our true selves. Whenever we try to hide behind a mask, that mask we choose usually winds up showing aspects of our true self even more. The colors and symbols and trinkets we innocently choose illustrate our inner truth, that can give us a greater awareness of our true selves. Thomas Merton in his book, New Seeds of Contemplation, wrote, "For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore, the problem of sanctity and salvation is, in fact, the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self." So when you try to hide behind a mask, it only shouts louder about who you really are. Thats the reality of masks....a better view of the true you.

"Whatever you do or dream, you can begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it."

Goethe

Rooted in My Dreams

Trees have been a comfort and blessing to humankind since the discovery of fire hundreds of thousands of years ago. Once humans harnessed that powerful energy, fire has served us in many ways, and trees have generously provided the fuel to keep those fires burning. Rooted securely in the earth, trees have lovingly given us food to nourish our bodies, wood to build our homes to keep us warm and safe, and flowers and roots for medicine to heal us. Because of the recognized importance of trees in the survival of humankind, our human existence has been reflected in our myth and lore of trees. Our ancestors saw the vital balance needed to survive and grow reflected and demonstrated in the life cycle of trees.

Our ancestors celebrated trees as forces of nature in song, gifts and prayers and perceived themselves to be an intimate part of that creation they honored. Learning lessons from the natural wisdom of trees, they came to view the tree as a symbol of life. According to many of the teachings of the ancients, our universe is made up of a spiral or circular movement that spins on a central axis. Called the axis mundi, the center pole has often been called the tree of life or Universal Tree. The ancients believed that this Tree of Life was a symbol of our world as a living, evolving organism that was imbued with spirit. Since the Tree of Life expressed natural divine law so completely, the tree became a valued symbol that both inspired and supported the human journey through its evolution.

Today, in the Owen Rose Garden in Eugene, OR, an aging tree stands honored with a plaque and is supported by metal poles in celebration of its endurance of 167 years. As I walk by this magnificent tree, I feel awe and respect for its boldness in surviving this long. I reach out and touch its trunk and somehow feel the energy of the wisdom it has acquired in the impressive length of its life. This tree once was a small seed that held the potential for what I see expressed now. That small seed grew through all the storms and adversity and flourished in the sunshine and blue skies, until it reached its present height of 60 feet. I have great respect for that kind of perseverance and courage. Lao Tzu wrote in the first century, "A tree that reaches past your embrace grows from one small seed. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Like the ancients, I honor a special tree with hopes that some of its qualities will be transferred to me.

In my painting at the beginning of this post, the woman figure is emerging from a tree.... perhaps it's a kind of "tree of life". In reaching for the manifestation of my dream, I take that first "step" from a tree that is rooted and grounded in the supportive truth of the earth. The boldness and courage to reach for my dream come from the connection to the wisdom of the "tree of life". This harmony of the tree with divine law instills within me the power to do the things I need to do in order to bring form to my dream. And the "magic" I experience is in the connection to the"tree" which ultimately unites me with all of creation. At one with the archetype of the Universal Tree, I too am in harmony with divine law.... with the source of all life. When one is synchronized at that "place"... a place that trees always occupy... a dream can do nothing but come true. It's the law...divine law.

"Cherry Tree Chi" ~ photo of me with a wise 167 year old tree ~ 2014

Saturday, February 1, 2014

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."

~ Helen Keller

Galloping With the Horse

After doing years of talk therapy, I knew that I wanted to explore a place deeper within me than I had been able to do with that traditonal counseling approach. Shaken again, after another divorce, (sigh!) and wanting desperately to change the direction of my life, I signed up for an art therapy class. Actually, I was just looking for something "fun" to do that would distract me from the sadness I was feeling about my present situation of aloneness and failure.

We were given crayons and paper, and after a short guided visualization, the art therapist instructed us to color any images that came to our imagination. In that art therapy class, I learned that the images we created, from that nonjudgemental part of ourselves, were really symbols that had the potential to guide and illuminate our truer perceptions of self. It was in that class, that the image of the horse first appeared to me, with its message of choosing action and finding freedom. In the midst of those "mountains of challenge", which were looming in my life at the time, I drew an image of a horse, as it galloped toward a red box that was curiously sitting in my past. I learned that the symbols I created from that deeper part of myself were telling me that the keys to my "freedom to be" were inside that "red box". The galloping horse was directing me to explore what was inside of it.. to discover what had been hidden away from my conscious mind that needed to be brought out into the open. That focused "horse", with its ability to run, was affirming that I had the power to do so! And red, being the color of the base or root chakra, suggested that it had to do with my physical connection to the earth and to all my relationships. As I unleashed the power of my inner "horse" with my art making, the images I created continued to give me insights about what was needed in order to be healed, both in my life and in my mind.

In the art therapy class, I was also introduced to the sacred art of mandalas. Because I was especially inspired by the luminous mandalas created by Judith Cornell, I decided to take a workshop with her. I flew out to Seattle in the summer of 1996 and boarded a seaplane to Cortes Island, off the coast of British Columbia. Even though that was adventuresome, the real challenge was when the power of my horse totem was "introduced" to me. At the workshop, I had been guided by Judith, both in visualization and movement, to be open to my totem animal that had a "message" for me.... and a galloping horse appeared in my mind. I followed Judith's direction to "become" my totem animal by playfully "galloping and neighing" around the room. Immersed in that equine energy of my totem animal, I then "danced" my horse onto the black paper with my colored pencils. When that dynamic horse appeared on my paper, its unrestrained aura ignited a forceful movement within my life. After I returned home to Ohio, I discovered a flood in my family room and art studio, that required a lot of reorganizing and a major letting go of things. Also, that fall, I made a decision to retire from my unhappy teaching job and begin to live the life I was meant for. Change was happening everywhere in my life, and I was breathless atop this wild galloping "horse", as I released my grip on the "reins" and soared toward freedom.

On Hall Ranch Park Trail in Boulder Co., Colorado - 2002

Several years later, after a bumpy "ride" through a life threatening illness, I made a move across the United States to live in Colorado. Out west, I connected to the rocks, the red soil and the creeks in my exploration and hikes. I spent a lot of time communing with the natural elements and began to feel "powerful" and healthy once again. The friends I made were in nature, and the lessons were taught to me by Mother Earth, herself.

I photographed and journaled and created art from my soul that year when I lived in Colorado. My teachers were the color and form and texture of the land that I experienced. And of course, the horse, or should I say, horses appeared once again to guide me.

Photo by Carol E Fairbanks - 2002

On one of my hikes in a Boulder Co Park, near the city of Boulder, I gazed out toward the horizon at the distant mountain range and noticed three horses in the grassland. That year I had been reading a lot of books about Buddhist and Native American spirituality, so I knew about the significance of a black, red and white horse. And there they were offering their lessons of wisdom right there from the trail where I was hiking.

The black horse in the foreground, I know very well. He brings the "darkness" of the unknown with its teachings of what needs attention and healing. There is no controlling this horse, as I "ride" him on my mysterious night journey. He asks that I trust the path of darkness and be open to its gifts.

The red horse in the background gets my attention quickly. He speaks to me through my pain, and there is no ignoring the ride on this stallion. As his nostrils flare, I simply hang on, as he gallops like the wind on a hot, scorching day. The lessons learned from him I will never forget. I feel them too deeply in every part of my being. His message continues to "speak" to me long after he is silent.

The third horse is the white stallion, with his promise of illumination and peace. He stands motionless, frozen in the distance. He waits patiently for me to be ready to ride him. Unlike the other two horses that I know too well, he is like an apparition in the desert, seeming to exist only in my wishful thinking. He gently beckons me to explore new ways of perceiving myself in relationship to others. He invites me to be more than I think I can be, and he inspires within me the ways in which I can be of service to all.

Now, in the year 2014, the Chinese Year of the Horse has begun, and my horse totem once again appears. As we transition from the Year of Snake, with its letting go of what no longer serves, we ride upon the" horse" to activate our individuality and creativity. Trusting our personal truth, we can set intentions for experiencing more freedom, clarity, community and friendship in our lives this year. With the inspiration of our "horses", we are able to be guided into "purposeful action of the most elegantly simple and powerfully fruitful kind". After the two previous years of "scouring our subconscious insides and wringing our innermost being dry of our watery emotions", we might very well be happy to get on that horse and ride! ( quotes from Karen Abler Carraso)

With the largest shift in energies in the entire 60 year cycle of Chinese astrology happening this year, be ready for the light of truth and clarity to "gallop" into your life. If we can welcome this year of great change into our lives, our "horse" can help us to open to the truth of who we really are. Waiting patiently for us the bloom, the world will finally begin to be different, as it experiences our new found power. For the good of everyone, may we all be open and be ready for what might be the ride of our life in 2014! And as this year unfolds, may the "horse" be with you!