"The Source"  © 2009  ~  crayon drawing by Carol E. Fairbanks

"The purpose of art is to lay bare the questions which have been hidden by the answers."  

                                                                                                    ~ James Baldwin

                                       Living the Questions

"Revelation" © 2001  ~ ink and acrylic by Carol E Fairbanks

In 2001, when I was moving past white-knuckle surviving toward exploring new life-giving options for my journey, I spent the summer in Boulder, Colorado.  In my little apartment in Chautauqua, near the base of the Flatirons, I explored what was left of me, after the challenge of illness had released me from its fearful grip.  By day, I connected to the beauty of nature in this vibrant town near the Rockies, and I created spontaneous art images with paint and pencil by night.  I had taken a course in oriental brush painting at Naropa with Bob Wing, and I was beginning to explore this free spirited method of imaging in my temporary Colorado home.  

After meditating on a certain word, I quickly and briefly painted an image with ink. Magically, the image I painted seem to consistently reveal something about the word upon which I meditated.  In the above brush painting, after contemplating on the word, "revelation", a figure similar to a question mark "danced" from my brush. With further consideration of this created image, the words, "The questions guide the way" came to my mind.  And finally, I was inspired to write "Answers are within the question".  Was a wiser part of myself saying that to find the answers I was seeking, I needed to begin asking a lot more questions? 

It is very humbling to focus on asking questions rather than to be extolling platitudes of personal philosophy.  There is a quality of surrender when you can say, "I don't know".... when you can be still and empty yourself of expectations... when you can quietly wait for the revelation that you have been frantically seeking.  Asking questions can do that.  They put things into proper perspective and bring balance to our sometimes self destructive need to control our lives.  In asking questions, we learn to trust in a benevolence greater than we are, and increased trust means more peace in our hearts.

One reason I love art making so much is that it inspires me to look beyond those "answers" I hold onto, especially when they are not working for me any more. My created images through the years have supported and guided me on my path, in releasing my old outdated illusions and celebrating with me, as I welcomed those newer more wholesome beliefs.  My art tells me who I really am, moving me beyond my fear and grief.  It expands my vision, revealing a person that I never thought possible. It brings forth a courage to be authentic and behave as my true self.  When life on the outside appears empty and unfulfilling, those images mirror back a truth of my journey that asks me to reconsider my limited perceptions.  And my "answers" are there ... right in the midst of the "questions" that my art presents to me.

But those questions do not need to be worked with great effort. The blessing is that you can "live your way into the answer".  Rainer Maria Rilke says, "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves....Don't search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them."  She says that with merely resolving to be with those questions, you can gradually live your way into those answers you seek.  So those questions can guide your intentions and choices. And just being open to receiving the answers to your questions, will awaken you from your slumber..... inspiring you to live the life you seek.

"Alone"  © 2001 ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

" I watch and am alone as a sparrow upon the rooftop."  Psalms  102:7

                                "Looking for Connection"

"Solitary" © 2010 ~ crayon by Carol E Fairbanks

There are times when I feel like I am connected to nothing. I am alone with only the awareness of my utter solitude to keep me company. It feels real, yet I read words written by many wise teachers that say this sense of aloneness is just an illusion.  They write of the reality, where we indeed can never be alone..... that separation is an invention of the mind propelled by our fear.

But even the fear that we feel can deceive us.  The word "fear" can be an acronym meaning "false expectations appearing real".  So where is the truth of who I am and what I am connected to?  Are my feelings pointing to a truer way of perceiving my life?  To chase after the affection and attention of others, in order to feel more loved and connected, we know is futile.  That transitory experience of "connection" goes through up-and-down" cycles, as people journey through their own personal growth. To base our experience of self love and self worth on how others are loving and treating us can create a "roller coaster" experience. And that tumultuous experience can reek havoc with one's emotions, if not grounded in a greater truth of one's being. So how does a person, who grew up singing "Some day my prince will come!" in school music class, find that foundation of personal truth?

"Tears" © 2010  ~ crayon by Carol E Fairbanks

In our culture, we tend to believe that personal happiness holds the "riches" of life that we seek.  If we feel sad or are in a bad mood, we often think that we are doing something "wrong".  We chase after that ideal "state of happiness" through our "drug of choice" in order to escape those tears, whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling or whatever "works".  In our efforts of masking our sadness, however, we might lose an opportunity to gain some greater wisdom about our life and our choices.  Those tears, we run from,  may contain valuable information about what we need to do to grow and bring healing to a part of our psyche. If we can "be" with our tears and sadness, they often reveal a path toward a healthier way of viewing ourselves and others.  Tears can "wash" away those toxic beliefs that keep us prisoners in our personal "stories".  Yes, what is behind that sadness, that we desperately want to escape, may hold the key to insights that can dramatically expand our life experience. And so it might be a gift, when the frantic pace in doing our "to do" list is stopped abruptly by tears.  Those tears certainly capture our attention and direct it to the real issues we need to attend to in our life.  They can radically change our priorities so that what is most valuable gets its deserved focus. 

"Feeling Loved" © 2010 ~ crayon by Carol E Fairbanks  

The trick of gleaning the greatest benefit of those tears is not to stay with them too long.  The "yoga path" of maintaining a balance of emotions is always the best approach.  In fact, while those tears can reveal ways of having greater compassion and understanding for ourselves and others, we are called to finally engage the energy of the love that they opened us up to.  Drying our tears, we can then put the wisdom they brought us into practice, by acting with greater love towards ourselves.  And finally, felling loved with a full heart, we can be more loving toward others.  At last, we have the "connection" we sought in the first place, and it did not come from what anyone said or did.  Rather, that loving fulfillment, that shatters the illusion of isolation, comes from a knowing that arises from a  deep source of wisdom that we all have within us.  To open to the love we seek in our lives, we must first experience it fully within our own heart and mind.  So, if we do not see that connection that we desire in our relationships, it is merely our life mirroring back to us that we are "looking for love in all the wrong places."  The "home" that Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz, was talking about is really the "heart".  As she said, "I know not to go looking for my heart's desire anywhere else, because if I don't find it at home, I won't find it anywhere!"

"Ready for Take off into 2014"  ~ by a wall mural of Opal Whiteley in Cottage Grove

   "You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."  

                                                              ~ Ray Bradbury

                            

                               The Wonder of Wings

"Crescent Moon Mystery" (Close up) 1999

Magical wings have always been a part of my fanciful art.  They seem to symbolize a way to lift me out of the weight of the sadness I sometimes feel.  When I am struggling to make choices that manifest a more harmonious and fulfilling life for myself, creating images of wings gives me the imagination of a child, who sees her dreams as magically possible. While my "wings" create the ascent of my mind into that realm of possibilities, my energy is finally freed up to do the work I want to do to give my ideas life. 

But to "fly" with those inspiring "wings" requires courage and lots of faith on my part.  Running from my problems never has given me enough speed to lift off and fly...and jumping to achieve take off from the ground has never worked for me either.  So the only way to use my wings to fly high above my challenges is is to jump and leap from a cliff. I simply cannot solve any problem, no matter how creative I am, at the same level of that problem.  I have to fly high above those challenges and distance myself to get a hawk's eye view of everything. With that renewed perspective, where I see all aspects of my life more clearly, I can finally make wiser and more benevolent choices.  I can begin to act with compassion, not only for myself, but for all concerned.  And as I wisely perceive my place in the family of living things, I am more able to experience a real connection, wisely knowing in my heart that what I do has a ripple effect that sends out vibrations that affect all of creation. 

It's not just me....it's everyone sending out vibrations all the time.  With all that movement of energy that can affect and influence us, it is imperative that we are grounded in the truth of who we are. ..and that knowledge of one's true self is simply not possible without flight.  Of course, jumping from just one cliff is not enough. Throughout our life, there are many cliffs that beckon us to jump.  Leaping from a place that appears familiar and safe into the abyss of the unknown requires not only lots of courage, it demands incredible faith.  Yes, that faith has to be in the subtle guidance that brought you to the cliff,  but also it must be in yourself and your life mission.  Your life is always more than about acquiring possessions or tallying up achievements.  And it's  is much more that just surviving one challenge after another.  It is rather about the vibration you send out into the world that hopefully changes it for the better. It's about how you have loved and how you have allowed others to love you.

And lastly, using your wings are about commitment...to your dreams...to your life purpose...and to yourself. Since you "can't get water from an empty well", you must first make sure your own heart is full before you attend to giving to another. It requires courageous "jumping from cliffs, building your wings" as you fall, and then flying high to see and experience your true vibrant self.  It's the adventure of living and, by not using your wings to fly, you'll miss it.  I believe that's what Helen Keller meant when she said, "Life is a daring adventure or nothing."

Now where is that next cliff?! I feel like flying!

"Hawk-eye View"  © 2011 ~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks