"The Offering"  ~ acrylic painting by Carol E Fairbanks  © 2014

"We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light."

                                                               ~ Mary Dunbar

                            "Letting My Light Shine"

I've always been a little on the shy side.... afraid to speak up for fear of not being accepted. Confidence was not something that was nurtured in my childhood home; in fact, if I talked about an accomplishment I had achieved at school, Dad would shame my "boasting" and call me a "hot shot".  So I learned early to be quiet and solitary and ....very independent!  I learned to "hide" who I was behind a facade of "not knowing" and keep the things I loved to do, like drawing and writing and dancing, to myself.  I lived my life fully in my imagination and daydreams, where I saw myself as successful, happy and very much loved.  But in my "real" life, I was looked upon as not too intelligent, probably because I was so quiet and very much lacking in confidence.  When you are always operating in another "world",  it really is very difficult to communicate effectively with others.  As a result, I always appeared detached and frozen, as I tried my best to not be noticed.

One advantage, however, in being so introspective, is that I became acquainted with dimensions of myself on very deep levels and at a very young age.  I contemplated and drew and wrote about topics that were more for adults, than children. I noticed the discrepancy in the roles of men and women and decided that I was not going to become "other dependent",  as I saw most women.  I explored the interdependency of living things in the natural world, and wrote about conservation of the environment, before it became a hot news item. The unfortunate thing is that I never shared it with anyone.... not my special drawings, nor my poetry, nor even my deepest profound thoughts and ideas. As a child, and even as an adult, I had no desire or confidence to share any of my "inner life" with anyone else. I needed to keep that part of me safe and protected.  I wanted that part of me never to experience the hurt and abuse that was so common in my family when I was growing up.  So I was diligent in hiding my "light" from others, not realizing that I was hurting myself more than anyone else ever had,  just by doing so. 

An interesting thing happened, as I lived longer than my fear and moved into my elder years. I simply stopped caring so much about what others thought of me. Yes, I still cared about others and wanted relationships with them, but I no longer let their opinions define how I saw myself. Rather than being an event, this transition of self perception was a gradual process where I found myself thinking less and less about what others were saying and doing, as they were relating to me. I no longer wanted to spend my precious energy trying to "figure out" how others really felt about me.  In fact, psychologists are now saying that whatever people are saying or doing is really all about them ..NOT ME!  (Isn't that a load off!!)

Today, not only am I not hiding my "light" expressions of art, and writing and hiking, I am posting all of it, as fast as I can on FACEBOOK!!  Yes, I am beaming that "inner Carol" into cyberspace in the form of paintings, drawings and writings all over the world, to as far away as the Ukraine and China!  Thousands of people are reading my words in several blogs I write, and I am not the least bit shy about sharing how I feel.  In fact, you might say that it is empowering!

So, what's this painting about that I have posted with this writing? I am not sure, but it feels like "empowerment" to me.  And the source of that "power" looks like it is arising from within her and also is strengthened by her connection to all forms of life. From her sacred hair (the essence of who she is),  luminous water (her gifts to the world) flows out and nourishes all.  All life is in harmony and balance in this painting, which "danced" out of my imagination. But this painting is not only about me, it's about everyone!  When we are in touch with who we are and are grounded in that truth, we can finally relate to all of creation in a balanced and harmonious way. This is true peace, and it starts in each person's heart and inspires an honest sharing of the "light" that is found there.

And, by the way, the daypack that I carry with me on my hikes, has the words, "Hot Shot" written on the back.  

                                                                            by Carol E Fairbanks, W.W.W.