"Embracing Change" © 1997 ~ colored pencil by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                               Shedding My Skin

"Fighting my Fate" © 1995 - crayon

At least 15 years ago, in Art Therapy class, I created this crayon drawing (on the left) that was inspired by an image I experienced in a stressful dream.  In that dream, I struggled fearfully with this terrible snake, whom I felt threatened my very life.  In the middle of what seemed to be the end of me, I woke up abruptly, feeling terrified. Any restful sleep after that was impossible.

Later, when I went to my art therapy class, the art therapist suggested that I draw that image in my art journal.  Much to my amazement, the "terrible" snake, that had created such fear in me, now looked almost friendly in my drawing!  The struggle was still very much there, but the reason for it did not appear to exist anymore!  I thought to myself, "What if I let go of that snake? If I release my fierce grip, would it harm me? Could I possibly let go of my need to control and just relax in the presence of this snake?

The snake, after that initial experience in my art therapy group, has been a frequent image that has appeared in many of my transpersonal drawings and paintings.  Ted Andrews, author of Animal Speak, says that snakes are symbols of change and healing.  He goes on to say, "When snake comes into your life, the changes occur quickly and are soon recognized.  Release any fears and do not resist the changes, because they bring with them new expressions of creativity, wisdom and strength."  In other words, shed the old willingly and embrace the new opportunities!

As for those feelings...... Andrews notes that snakes have poor vision and rely mostly on their sensitivity to vibrations and smell. His advice, according to snake medicine, is to not trust what I see, but rather trust what I feel.  Those feelings I often flee from are, in reality, very important information to help me in making wise choices during times of transition.  Snake tells me that I will feel those changes arriving before I actually recognize them.

About 4 years later, I drew a very different snake in a mandala in a workshop with Judith Cornell, author of Luminous Mandalas.  In that colored pencil mandala pictured at the top, I was again holding a snake, but in a much different way.  Instead of gripping fiercely and trying to control the snake, in this newer mandala drawing I seemed to be honoring the snake.  There is no fearful grip, resisting the snake, but rather this time I am supporting the movement of the snake and allowing it to do whatever it has come to do.  The new snake looks regal and seems to have an important mission to accomplish.  This time I am embracing that transition that this snake represents with my open, welcoming hands.

So while snake has brought me a message of how to be in the midst of shedding those things I need to release, snake also says, that loss is not an ending, but rather a doorway to a new beginning.  Snake power is honoring all parts of the cycle of life - birth, death and RESURRECTION!

"Growth"  © 1998 ~ tempera on paper by Carol E. Fairbanks

"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart."
                                                                                                     ~ Heller Keller

                                                             Nurturing My Growth


From the "egg", the potential of who we are, comes our growth.  It calls to us beneath the "shell" of who we think we are.....the impression of what we believe about ourselves and project to the world.  But our soul, in all its wisdom, cracks open that "egg" in some life-changing occurrence...some riveting experience in which we can no longer ignore our journey. Through that "crack", our true essence pours out on the flow of our tears and with the cries of  our "loss" and "pain".  We often see this moment as tragic and feel as if we have become victimized by life.

But then, as time passes, we begin to see a "new" aspect of ourselves emerging from the "ashes" of who we thought we were.  Where there was fallow land, there is a new"sprout" beginning to reach up from the once barren soil.  As we watch this new growth, our life takes on a new perspective, often bringing adventure and joy beyond our expectations.  Just when we thought our life was over, the very best was yet to come.

Our hearts are now opened to see how beautiful we really are. We can finally begin to have a concept of ourselves beyond our "list of friends" and our resumes. The "story" of who we thought we were, with all its drama, is slowly being replaced with the true myth of who we really are. Our idea of ourselves and our place in this world are forever altered with this new growth.  The sun rises over the mountains of challenge we have just experienced and shines brightly, nurturing our new beginnings, as we grow into the persons we have always been.  From high above the purple mountains, in the brilliant light of the revealing sun, a knowing hawk coasts on the winds of change and looks down, seeing the promising landscape of new growth everywhere.  Hearts across the earth are now opening to the beauty that is growing in this new world.  This is the beginning of true peace, and it takes root first in our hearts.

"Transforming Anger"  © 1996 ~ colored pencil mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything.  They just cry over their condition.  But when they get angry, they bring about a change."

                                                                                                ~ James Russel Lowell

   
                                                               The Fire Within


The second weekend mandala workshop that I did in 1995 was a "trial-by-fire" for me, having gone through a painful divorce and feeling a lot of stress from my teaching job.  So, it was no surprise that this dynamic mandala made its dramatic appearance at that time.  In my classroom for a multi-age "gifted and talented" program, I hung a quote by Einstein - "Great spirits often encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds."  Above the quote, Einstein was pictured sticking his tongue out,  much like in my mandala. The school administrators that I worked for were more interested in being controlling dictators, than visionary idealists. That right there put us on opposite "sides of the fence".  I had to wrestle my overactive "flight mode" to the ground just to stay there and teach.  It definitely was not a place to recover from the sadness I felt about my recent separation from my alcoholic ex-husband.

So even the songs of Enya playing that weekend did not soothe me.  After our guided meditation when we were to start drawing the symbol that we had visualized, I, with a defeated tone, exclaimed that I had no images left in me....not a one!  I felt depleted and empty, and certainly not very creative.  Willow, my teacher, gently suggested that I just take a white pencil and doodle.  And that's what I did!  As I moved the pencil across the blackness of the paper, the "fire within" was stoked.  Incredible feelings surfaced in me, and my drawing was energized...in fact, it seemed to take off without me!  The more intense my drawing became, the deeper I went into that creative process.  I felt so much feeling welling up in me that is spilled over onto the paper through my pencils with a fury.  When Willow came by to see how I was doing, she smiled and said. "No images, huh?!"

Since that emotional time of getting in touch with that potent anger that I had repressed, I have learned more about the powerful emotion of anger.  I don't believe that we are taught what to do with it.  In fact, we are pretty much taught that it is "bad" to even feel angry, let alone express it.  Before I created the mandala, I was feeling powerless and fatigued; afterwards, looking at my image that was "smoking" on the paper before me, I felt energized.  In giving voice to my anger, I was able to take that violent energy within me and transform it into a power that I could use to make positive changes in my life. I had discovered what author, William Arthur Ward, once wrote, "It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people;  to focus your energies on answers- not excuses."  In acknowledging my anger and giving it a "face",  I was able to let its energy move me into action....move me from helpless victim to empowered problem solver.

"As Above, So Below" © 2012 ~ acrylic painting by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                                           A Walk in Nature

"There is a love of wild nature in everybody, an ancient mother-love ever showing itself whether recognized or no, and however covered by cares and duties."

                                                                                         ~ from John Muir's journals

There is absolutely nothing more invigorating than a walk in nature for me.  After strolling by the ocean shore or trekking down a tree-lined path or ambling past a field of colorful wildflowers, I feel so peaceful that I can't remember what I was grumbling about an hour or two before my walk.  The Japanese, who call this shinrin-yoku or "forest bathing", have known for a long time that being in nature does wonderful things for the body and mind. In the natural world, I can encounter what is most essential within myself and others.  I let go of everything but a momentary, wild awareness of my environment and open fully to the primal energies of that ancient world.  I am transported from the challenges of my everyday life and experience a healing congruence with the patterns in nature. Both my biological and spiritual self find a synchronicity with the evolution beautifully demonstrated in the network of nature.

Okay, why do I find being in nature so therapeutic?  Since there are many studies that have been done to support the fact that the natural world adds immensely to our physical and mental well-being, I feel a more important question for me to perhaps consider is how being in nature is healing, rather than why.  Author and teacher, Ted Andrews,  has written extensively about how the natural world, especially animals, reflect back to us information that can guide, instruct and nurture us on our life journey.  He writes in his book, Animal Wise, that we have forgotten how to listen to Nature. He goes on to say, "We have forgotten that Nature speaks to us all of the time.  Nature has become separate from us - something to be studied, examined and, unfortunately, used and abused."   Andrews believes, like many indigenous cultures, that our psyches are primally tied to specific animals,  just as our psyches are tied to the members of our family.  Being in nature reminds us of those connections.

Maybe, being quiet and listening to the natural world on those walks is as important as the physical exercise of walking itself.  Author of the book, Uprisings For the Earth, calls this contemplative experience "listening to the big quiet of Nature". She writes that "when we are in the presence of this natural environment and we listen with our whole selves, we have the possibility to remember the balance inherent within the natural systems of our Earth and our interconnected relationship to the community of our living planet".

So I leave the cell phone, the ipod, and all my connections to the man-made world when I step into the woods.  Like the moose in my painting, I pause and listen. Quietly, I wait for answers and guidance that I am sure are here.  I stand by the water's edge and contemplate my connection to all that I see. My experience here teaches me, and it's message is that I am more than I am feeling and thinking.  It beckons me to embrace the greater Truth that is calling to me through this experience of Nature. Andrews says that the moose is a "symbol of creativity, intuition and illumination".   Moose says that "new attainment is on the horizon - probably through the autumn, the moose's natural time of power". So it is time to stop wandering aimlessly and feeling powerless, because "moose" says my life is about to turn around and prosper.  It could happen...if I listen to my intuition and creatively do my part. This is how "great Nature" supports my journey.  In addition to the adventure and fun, this is the real reason I walk in Nature.... silently......receptively....and very grateful.

"Celebrating the Ascent" © 2012~ watercolor by Carol E. Fairbanks

                                            Mountaintop Teachings

"Climbing a mountain can help you with your spiritual body. This is where you build character - on a mountaintop."  
                                                              ~ Hulda Crooks ( who hiked mountains well into her 90's!)

In 1987, after I had been an avid walker for several years, I subscribed to Walking Magazine and read about Hulda Crooks.  Amazingly, she was then 91 years old and still hiking mountains.  Her example further awakened the "wild woman walker" in me, as I traveled to of total of 43 states, doing more than 850 volkswalks, including two marathons!  All this from a former sedentary female who had no interest in sports or physical activity and hadn't walked more than 2 miles at a time ever!  Twenty six years have passed since I read that inspiring article, and both Walking Magazine and Hulda Crooks have made their "transitions".  But I am still on the trail seeking new adventures, even after a "dance" in 1999 with a life threatening illness.

So I ask myself at this point in my life, "What next?"  I seem to be going through a period of chaos and "spring cleaning" lately, in letting go of old perceptions and beliefs.  Of course, with that reorganization of my inner belief system, the outer appearances of relationships and conditions in my life have been shifting considerably. As I look down from my "mountaintop" experiences lately ( both actual and inner emotional),  I see some areas of my life that are no longer working for me.  The act of letting go, however,  has never been easy, as evidenced by my "claw marks" in those things which I have released.

I believe my life's focus needs be on whatever supports me in more fully expressing my true Self.  And just what is my true Self?  Since I am created in the image and likeness of God, and God is Love, I, therefore am also Love.  In reflection, I want to be in situations with people who encourage and support  that greatest degree of Love that is possible in me.  (In theory, maybe there is no limit of that fullest degree, except within my own mind!)  So the big question I am asking about every person, belief and condition in my life, is "Are you supporting a greater degree of the expression of Love within me?"  In other words, "Am I more loving because you are part of my life?"

These questions sound simple, but they are no less profound.  When I climb those mountains in my life, whether a real peak in the Mt. Hood Wilderness or a challenging verbal exchange with an emotionally close relationship, I can view my experience from a "higher" perspective and find the "Love" in it.  The lesson is always there, guiding me toward a new view of who I really am.  I am not to hold on to anyone or anything that sabotages this personal growth, nor am I to interfere with someone's else's journey by insisting they meet my expectations. This Truth is both freeing and anxiety producing, especially when I want to latch on to someone or something for an illusion of security.

So those mountaintop experiences help "build" stamina in my spiritual body by flexing the muscles of my true Self.  I am more rooted and grounded in my relationship to myself and my world when I stand upon that peak and breath in that expansive experience. From that confident place of higher awareness, I can "see" and honor the Love that weaves through me and all creation.  Fear is replaced with a quiet knowing that purrs with contentment.  The "I AM" part of me is not who is with me or what I have, but rather is something much bigger.  The edges of who "I AM" are not walled off with sentries guarding the so called "treasures" of my individual identity. If who "I AM" is reflected in every person I meet and every experience that I have, then perhaps, the "I AM" of me is much, much more. It's like trying to visually imagine the far reaches of an infinite Universe. The finite mind wants limits and boundaries, while the true Self is boundless. It is only in my mountaintop experiences, with my horizons expanding beyond my perceived limits, can I finally begin to "see" the larger picture of my life.

Okay, who am I?  I am not quite sure yet.  Who knows how many more "mountains" I need to climb, before I can answer that question?  Meanwhile....here I go, upward and onward!

At the summit of Tom, Dick & Harry by Mt. Hood   (9/4/13)

"Circle of Life"  © 1998 ~ oil on paper by Carol E. Fairbanks    

                 

                            The Yin and Yang of Me

                      " A woman is the full circle.

                                  Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform."

                                                                           ~ Diane Mariechild

Growing up in the 50's , I watched TV shows like "Father Knows Best" and "I love Lucy" and thought those male-female relationships were how things were supposed to be.  A strong male figure, who knew more than his  child-like wife, was the ultimate source of power and he definitely knew all the answers.  The woman, if she had any ideas worthy of voicing, had to indirectly make her husband feel as if her insights came from him.  Even as a child, this bothered me, and I always felt impatience with the apparently powerless women I watched in those TV shows.  They always seemed to have no choice but to yield to their husband's authority, except when they were cagey enough to indirectly work around his wishes. 

A few years ago, I watched part of a "Father Knows Best" show on TV and couldn't believe I had ever seriously watched such shows, even as a child.  But it made me think of how I was indoctrinated with such gender stereotyped roles and, interestingly, how that socialization did not really "work" on me.  I remember thinking when I was very young, that being a woman was a losing proposition.  I watched the inequity with the way my parents related... my Dad was always free to do whatever he wanted, but Mom, burdened with all the household responsibilities, had to make near impossible plans to go to even a PTA meeting.  So I decided, very young, that I would never let a man, or anything else, control me and take away my power of choice.  I don't think I even wanted to consider any compromise at that time!

So the foundation was laid for a pattern of serial marriages, which caused a lot of unhappiness in my relationships with men.  There were periods of time when I focused on my teaching career and my art practice, thinking that living a solitary life was better for me.  But what I didn't know was that those relationships in my outside life reflected the male-female balance within me.  In fact, there was no balance in my inner yin/yang continuum.  And I was anything, but a full circle....in fact, I was more of a jagged, broken line. 

It was my transpersonal approach to art making that finally revealed to me just how broken and out of balance I was.  After divorcing for the fourth time, I knew that I had to change drastically to in order to survive.  I started going to a woman's art therapy group, that introduced me to those powerful images within my imaginative mind, that were waiting patiently to walk with me on a healing path.  The mandala spoke very loudly to my wounded self and awakened dynamic personal truths within me.  There was no turning my back on that healing process, and there were days when I could only surrender to those images, as I watched their "birthing" with my weary, but trusting eyes. 

It was such a day, when the "goddess", pictured above, appeared in my touch drawing during a workshop on Whidbey Island, WA with Deborah Koff-Chapin.  Deborah, the creator of the Touch Drawing process, had instructed us to mediate, roll oil paint onto a nonabsorbent board, and then place a sheet of heavy weight paper on top of it.  Guided by my inner muse, I then pressed on the paper with my hands and elbows, marking creases into it with my fingertips and nails.  No brushes and no control and, certainly, no expectations!  

When I finally felt "done" and peeled back the top paper, there were all kinds of paint impressions on the underside of the that sheet of paper.  I looked into those "eyes" of that newly created image-friend, who seemed to look right through me.  After I added some more oil paint color to her hair and face and background, I sat down to journal with this new image-friend to she what she had "come" to tell me.  

That was in 1998, and today she is framed and hanging above my bed.  And she continues to teach me about the truth of my being.  She is my companion and guide.  She mirrors back to me the truth that I am, indeed, balanced within ...that I am a circle ...a circle of wholeness, radiating love and light.  I am made of particles from the stars, and inside every particle of me is the complete wisdom of the Universe.  That wisdom says that a true "wild woman" honors both the male and the female, both within and without, in a balanced and respectful way.  Now that is true power, not power to dominate or control, but power to create a "Carol Fairbanks" that lives out her truth and blesses the world with her presence!

"Star Creation" ©  1996~ pencil mandala by Carol E. Fairbanks

"You were born from a ray of God's majesty and and have the blessings of a good star."
                                                                                                                      ~ Rumi


                                                      Star Stuff

Teresa of Avila once wrote that when we get to the very essence of who we are, "the core of Self", we discover a beautiful "diamond" more brilliant than we can ever bear.  When images "dance" from my brushes and pencils, I can catch a glimpse of what she was talking about.  But most of the time, unfortunately, I relate to myself and others as if we were "lumps of coal".  How different the world would be if we saw that luminous "core" in others and ourselves!  Would we ever dare to injure or even say a bad word about a priceless diamond?  Would we not value it and care for this precious jewel beyond all?

In yoga training at Kripalu, I learned the eastern custom of bowing to one another with hands in prayer position and greeting a person with the word, "Namaste".  That Sanskrit word means that the "light in me honors the light in you."  When I taught yoga, I would always end my classes by inviting the students to place their hands over their heart and honor the place of "light, love and truth" within. I further suggested that they then open their eyes and honor that same light in others by greeting them with the word, "Namaste".  That yoga class practice demonstrated to me the peace we can experience in relating to ourselves and others in this honoring way.

Even though I have had momentary glimpses of this "diamond" within through prayer and meditation, nothing has been quite as powerful as those teacher-images "birthed" in my transpersonal art.  With only a vague intention, those images brought to me a truth seldom reflected though my experiences in the world.  As I look at my drawing, "Star Creation",  I see no fear, nor anger, I see only Light.... the light of knowing and being without question.  The art images, like the parables, tell a story that teach me of the Divine plan for my life.  It is a plan of love, joy and peace beyond imagining.  It is an order and harmony beyond anything that I could possibly contrive.  I only have to accept the truth of who I am and allow my "diamond" within to shine brightly, as well as, to see that luminance of the "diamond" in others.  Okay, so it's a stretch..... but it is possible!  Now that's the kind of world I want! I guess it begins with me.