Finding Forgiveness

"Healing the Hurt" © 2014  ~ acrylic & crayon by Carol E Fairbanks

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

                                         Martin Luther King, Jr.

Photo of my dad and his sister, Elizabeth - 1909

I don't have any memory of my dad as he appears in this old photo. He seems caring and compassionate as he holds hands and embraces his older sister, Elizabeth.  He has the look of an innocent child, free of judgement and anger.  His eyes have not yet lost the boy like wonder of looking forward to the experience of his life. 

When I knew him, impatience and rage had taken over his vision. He always seemed to be in an irritated state, as he rushed to get anywhere, but where he was at.  The pain he carried within him drove him to drink alcohol on a regular basis, and the only time I don't remember him angry and frustrated was when he was inebriated. So he is not a father that I remember fondly, and I have almost no happy memories of time spent with him.  

I have tried to find forgiveness through understanding the lack of love and esteem he must have felt when always being compared to a younger brother by his serious and rigid, and probably angry, mother.  But I always keep coming back to the abuse that my sister, brother and I suffered, as recipients of the pain of his personal woundings he never dealt with. Dad particularly hated women, especially women who were not sexually attractive to him.  In fact, that sexual attraction to opposite sex was a double edged sword for him. He hated and had contempt for the very thing he loved and needed.

When I became a teenager, my anger at my dad seemed to be equal to the rage he expressed in our family home on a frequent basis. Not understanding any psychology, I thought that when I left home to go to college at Ohio University after high school graduation, I would finally be free of his abusive anger. I never realized how much I had internalized his message of anger and victimhood within my own psyche.  An inner angry father continued the abuse within my own heart and mind. That inner dysfunction within me would play out in unfulfilling and abusive relationships in my adulthood, where my belief in my victimhood was affirmed many times over.

As I now approach the latter years of my life, I sincerely wish to "unload" that painful burden that I have been carrying for so long.  As long as I continue to" judge" my father and affirm my victimhood, I can never give the world the full gift of my presence.  To finally release all the hurt and transform it into something positive, requires that all hate and resentment be gone from my heart.  To fully live up to my God-given potential, only love can reside there, and all hate must go.  So when I tell my father, "I forgive you", I speak this from my child's heart to his little boy heart.  I say this to my dad, who at one time had a pure heart unmarred by a lack of love and self acceptance.  I really am sorry that his addictions drove his tortured life, and that he never saw the true Self of light that he really was.  If he had, we might have had some great fun together.  But for now, I accept who he was and pray for his highest good wherever he is at. Who knows... maybe he is also praying for me this very moment.  It could be, judging from the peace I am feeling about my finally being able to forgive.

                                    Mastering the Mud

There are people who actually seek out messy outdoor experiences in the mud.  Called “mudders”, they run, competing in races and obstacle courses, where the goal is to get as muddy as possible. I don’t happen to be one of them. In fact, I will go out of my way to avoid sloppy trails which require a major cleanup afterwards. On my hike from William Sullivan’s book, 100 Hikes in the Central Oregon Cascades, however, I found that sometimes running into mud on the trail, as in life, is inevitable. But this trail to the summit of Mt. Pisgah seemed more promising of a “mudless” event than most. In my ascent, I passed a trail improvement sign that stated in bold letters, “We’re moving you out of the mud!” I thought to myself, “Now that’s just what I need in my life journey right now - less mud and clearer trails! When I arrived at the summit, I was inspired by the wrap-around vista of snow covered mountains in the distance. Feeling invigorated by the climb and energized by the beauty of the expansive scenery, I decided to take a different side trail through the woods on my descent. Exploring new trails always has its risk of the unknown - but, hey, that’s the adventure I seek! At age 72, I had made Helen Keller’s quote, “Life is a daring adventure or nothing!”, a template for my life, and today was going to be no different. You know that inevitable mud I mentioned previously - well, I was about the meet it on this newer unfinished trail I had chosen to take. As I trekked through the fern-covered woods, my hiking boots almost disappeared, as they sunk deep into the soft, wet, gooey mud. Quickly regretting my decision and wanting to move through this unpleasant choice as rapidly as possible, I stepped up on a slippery slope in order to avoid losing my boots altogether and promptly slipped and fell. Now it was not only my boots that were muddy, it was pretty much all of me!

In regaining my composure and footing, I let go of as much mud (and embarrassment) as I could and started to move more slowly down the hill. I even let go of some of my seriousness and found a little humor in my “muddiness”. After all, I might be “in the mud”, but I didn’t have to be “of the mud”! I realized that to not fall again would require greater focus and attention as to where my next step would be.When you’re in the mud, whether on the trail or in life, it is imperative that you let go of any regrets about past decisions and be fully present for each moment, as you consider each new choice carefully. With clearer insights, mixed with a little humor, from this muddy trail, I eventually made my way down safely. After completing this adventure, I arrived at my car very dirty, but still intact...and wiser! In addition to having a wonderful hike in nature, treasures were gained from the trail.